Handicappin’ The ‘Offs

Handicapping the Playoffs. NFL that is.

Alright. So round 1.

I’ll tell you who is going to win and who to bet on and win money with.

AFC WILD CARD 3v6: Indy Colts v NY Jets (+3)

No lines have been set yet so I’m going to be guessing every line.

I would bet against Peyton Manning here. I really don’t like the Jets but Manning has just not looked himself this year.

Maybe he’ll go all Boston Celtics on us and loaf through the season and turn it on come playoff time. But basketball and football don’t exactly match up like that.

Basketball regular season is completely worthless.

Football season matters. I don’t understand why and can’t explain it but you and I both know I am right. Otherwise why would I say it.

I am always correct.

Classic Blog Moment: Posting a picture of an athlete and his wife.

AFC WILD CARD 4v5: Kansas City Chiefys (+6) v Balty Ravens

Joe Waka Flacco Flame is probably going to torch a weak Chiefs defense.

And Charlie Weis is gonna mail it in like Flo Rida. Mail On Sunday.

(P.S. That Flo Rida pun works ever better than I thought because he’s going to Florida. I am a wordsmith pt.2)

The intersection of football and rap. Wonder if that’s ever happened before, y’all.

Innovation.

NFC WILD CARD 3v6:

Philly Eagles v Greeny Bay Packers (+14)

The Eagles are going to destroy the Packers.

Sorry Cheeseheads.

Aaron Rodgers may be a b3astmod3 fantasy QB but Mike Vick is going to destroy you in every possible way.

Wait, no AJ Hawk is pretty good. He can probably spy Vick pretty hard.

Hm. Still. The line has been set. I think Desean and Maclin have big games.

AJ Hawk is unattractive.

NFC WILD CARD 4v5: Seattley Seahawks v New Orleansy Saints (+1.5)

This is a classic case of seeding. I think the Seahawks deserve the higher seed and will win this game based entirely on that fact.

FACT: 4 always beats 5.

Look for Charlie Whitehurst to throw 6+ TDs against a weak Saints secondary.

Charlie Whitehurst is really good looking. In a McDreamy kind of way.

Kevin Love: A Poor Man’s Ron Artest

Kevin Love has some GQ Blog thing. No one really knows why. He lacks the swag required in my mind. Only Michael Beasley deserves one. At least from the Timberwolves that is.

Either way. Kevin Love decided to give people on his team fake-gifts in a funny, cutesy, approachable blog post.

Cute.

And not funny.

Mike Beasley: A SpongeBob SquarePants: The Collectors Edition DVD Box Set.
Whenever we’re in the training room, he’s got SpongeBob on the TV and he’s sitting there laughing his ass off. It helps him relax, I guess. That’s just Beasley. Sometimes somebody will walk in and see him, shake their head and just keep on moving.

Corey Brewer: An unlimited, all-you-can-eat, lifetime pass to the Old Country Buffet.
We need to put some weight on that guy. Because he is 6-foot-9, 185 pounds. Which is insane.

Bassy Telfair: A new set of very expensive earrings.
Oh man. He has very nice jewelry, and early on in the season we were messing around on the bus—he was hitting me in the face, giving me wet willies, so I smacked him, and his earring fell out. And we could never find it. I felt terrible. Let’s just say it was a pretty nice earring. Luckily insurance pays for stuff like that. But still, let’s get him a new one for Christmas.

Kosta Koufos: A lifetime supply of CertainDri anti-perspirant.
He sweats constantly, like no one I’ve ever seen. He reminds me of that scene in Along Came Polly, when Ben Stiller’s face gets mashed into that guys sweaty chest. Kosta is that guy.

Kevin Love: One free grooming seminar from GQ’s style experts.
In case you didn’t know, there is a lot of irony in me doing a blog for GQ. I can’t grow my beard in all the way. I’m not at all well-groomed. I could use the help.

I’ll tell you what they really need.

Michael Beasley: A Better Attitude.

Corey Brewer: A Modeling Agent. Being that skinny helps in that profession I think. Especially for guys right?

Bassy Telfair: Okay. Wow. Kevin Love calls him Bassy. What a poser. I mean sure it’s his nickname and all. But Bassy needs A Better Nickname.

Kosta Koufos: A lifetime supply of CertainDri anti-perspirant. He sweats constantly, like no one I’ve ever seen. He reminds me of that scene in Along Came Polly, when Ben Stiller’s face gets mashed into that guys sweaty chest. Kosta is that guy.

Kevin Love: A Blogging Lesson courtesy of Me. Lucky him.

Are all those things not really things. But they all fit. Also it is Christmas Eve.

I gotta go deliver presents.

PS: Why is Kevin Love giving Sebastian Telfair wet willies? TMZ, get on this!!!!!!!!!!

Rex Ryan And The UConn Women

I don’t think I’m gonna explain the situation. Just read the foot shaped text.

Thanks y’all.

So Rex Ryan’s wife is a foot-loving swinger? Which coach’s wife isn’t these days? 31 of them I believe.

Possibly 30 now that Leslie Frazier is a coach though.

There’s also some video of Rex Ryan saying ‘It’s a personal matter’ over and over again.

It’s a personal matter and I’m not here to comment on that right now.

I’ve always respected Rex Ryan’s wishes in the past.

So on to something I have a strong opinion about:

People caring about the UConn women breaking John Wooden’s streak.

No one should care.

Women’s basketball is not important and no one actually likes it. Except maybe the parents of the players.

And even they don’t ‘like’ it per se. They just attend the games.

Maybe the players like it. But to make 50% of the Sportscenter about the 89th win in a row is absurd. It deserves as much mention as like soccer, futbol, hockey, golf, tennis. IE almost none unless there’s a big fight. And that’s only in hockey.

Did I use IE right? I guess it’s probably i.e. or something like that.

Also the UCLA men’s team would destroy the UConn women.

Women’s basketball is so dominated by one player. The Mens Basketball Game is more team and better defense and offense and. Everything really.

And don’t even give me that ‘the womens game is more fundamentally sound’ because it is not. Not even close.

I’m not categorizing/tagging this post with basketball because it isn’t truly basketball.

I’ve got shopping to do.

‘The Reason For The C’s, Son’

'I am excited to be in this picture' -Ron Artest

That would be a good rap line.

I guess. If it was a Christmas song that required a pun about C-notes, son.

The real name of this post is ‘The Reason For The Season.’

Ron Artest did some funny stuff.

He’s a walking meme. Whatever.

Should I waste virtual ink on him (via Kindle)? Absolutely.

He was talking about getting ejected or ejections or something. The context is never important with Artest.

“It happened in the past, it happened in the present, it happened in the future,” Artest said. “Not just for him. All players (get ejected). That happens a lot of times. You see guys get ejected. Rip Hamilton got ejected (recently) in Detroit. Bob Cousy got ejected … The only person who never got ejected was Jesus.”

Artest was asked if he had checked Jesus’ box scores.

“No ejections,” Artest said. “He was 10 for 10s, a lot of 20 for 20s (in shooting). Perfect from the free-throw line. Infinity rebounding stats.”

Hey Ron, what’s your favorite holiday?

“I don’t celebrate many holidays. I have alot of Jewish friends though. So from time to time I’ll celebrate Hanukkah.”

That last quote was fake. Could you even tell though?

ArtestOnTheGround.jpg

The NFL: Never False Leverage

What a fantastik title.

I have a well-publicized feud with Jay Glazer.

I like linking to my own blog. Mad hits.

Either way, I don’t really like Jay Glazer. Except, well. Go read that old post.

However, I agree with his assessment of this.

Sal-Alosi-Gate can be put to bed. Or the name Trip-Gate can be re-assigned to Tyler-Brayton-Gate.

I used alot of – in the last two sentences.

My therapist says I should be more positive. From now on, I’ll replace – with +

Math Joke Alert!

Coming Clean: I don’t go to a therapist. She comes to me. And comes on to me. Am I right?

I don’t even know what that meant.

This Tyler Brayton thing is bad though. I am all for people on the sidelines getting in the game. But only when they like, ya know, substitute in. Otherwise people will get injured.

He needs a motto:

Tyler Brayton: Not Realizing The NFL Is Always Being Filmed

Lotta : in the last little bit. Would it be better/more confusing if I turned every : into a smiley via 🙂 ?

I mean why else would there be NFL Films. Am I right?

Yes. This time I am.

Brett is like a little kid out there.

A little kid with the body of a 70+year+old man that will never play another down in the NFL and hopefully never contemplate coming back.

Who knows who that guy on the bottom is?

5 bucks to whoever tells me.

I’m gonna go play golf.

NBA All-Star Voting: At The Center Of The Scandal

Centers: Centers:
Dwight Howard  (Magic)  611,561
Shaquille O’Neal  (Celtics)  241,782
Joakim Noah  (Bulls)  97,163
Andrea Bargnani  (Raptors)  53,275
Al Horford  (Hawks)  49,098
Andrew Bogut  (Bucks)  48,298
Brook Lopez  (Nets)  38,103
JaVale McGee  (Wizards)  36,227
Roy Hibbert  (Pacers)  35,006
Ben Wallace  (Pistons)  21,858
Yao Ming  (Rockets)  430,984
Andrew Bynum  (Lakers)  198,044
Brendan Haywood  (Mavericks)  127,375
Marc Gasol  (Grizzlies)  120,811
Emeka Okafor  (Hornets)  115,647
Nene  (Nuggets)  105,747
Chris Kaman  (Clippers)  87,536
Marcus Camby  (Blazers)  57,046
DeMarcus Cousins  (Kings)  37,571
Andris Biedrins  (Warriors)  36,655

This is egregious.

I am going to ignore the fact that the arguable MVP up until this point is 7th in Western Conference voting for guards.

(Russell Westbrook)

BUT. Jason Kidd is ahead of him?! HOW!?

No. No. I said I was going to ignore it.

The Center voting in each conference is far more offensive. And not in an ‘offense’ like have-the-ball-and-score way. In a hurtful way.

Clearly the John Q. Public is stupid. That we all know. But they really shouldn’t be. John Q. Public, you should understand. You should vote for who you want to see! You really want to see:

  • Shaquille O’Neal as the first center off the bench? I don’t.
  • Bargnani anywhere near the top 10? I do. But anyone who knows the NBA doesn’t.
  • JaVale McGee having more than 30,000 votes? I do. Dude’s versatile.
  • Roy Hibbert, who is having a top-5-center-type-a year, not in the top-5-a-type-a-year? I don’t really care about that so much.
  • Literally everyone in the Top 10 for the West is ridiculous. And here’s why.

  1. Yao Ming is mad injured and by my calculations has not played this year. (Even if he has, my calculations don’t lie. Pick a side to believe, reader.)
  2. Andrew Bynum has played I guess. But not enough. Perpetual injury. He’s like a poor man’s Greg Oden because his injures are cheaper and less-hurt-y than Oden’s. Like he’s thrifty for the injury.
  3. Brendan Haywood is not the best center on his own team. The Eiffel Towers are. Ian Mahmini and Alex Ajinca that is. But uh seriously Tyson Chandler is actually having an All-Star Caliber Year. So give the man some respeto. Is that respect in Spanish? ‘Me no hablo’ – Kanye West.
  4. Marc Gasol is not the best Gasol on two teams. Assuming those two teams are the Lakers and the Grizzlies. If those two teams aren’t those specific two then well uh never mind. Also: Pau Gasol plays Forward. So that’s even more confusing.
  5. Emeka Okafor. I have no idea of the quality of his play. I’m afraid the Hornets have been mad over-performing though. So by the transitive property so is Okafor. Also he went to UConn. I don’t like UConn.
  6. Nene. Who cares? Why would you want to see him in the All-Star Game?
  7. Kaman and Camby are polar opposites. In that Kaman only plays offense and Camby, only defense. So they cancel each other out.
  8. Cousins is the token-rookie on the list. He’s not even that good.
  9. Biedrins is available in my fantasy league. Should I swag that?

I didn’t look up how to spell those two Mavericks centers names. Ian and Alex. That’s how you spell their first names. I don’t know about the last names.

Correct me.