Super Bowl Preview Week: Lookin’ Boy

Hey guys and gals, in case the title wasn’t clear we here at FS! will be running a preview week for the Super Bowl.

Expect all sorts of hot breaking stories and hard hitting facts and whatnot.

I’ll kick off your Monday with some hot Lookin’ Boy action.

Charlie Batch, Backup QB of the Pittburgh Steelers

Looks like the son of John Legend and Howie Mandel.

Because a child is the average of his parents haircuts, right?

 

A Fake Interview with whoever is on the front page of ESPN

And the winner is….

No.

I flatly refuse to interview Phillie Phanatic Phkid. How about Roy Halladay? Is that fair?

*********************************

FS!: Hey Roy, thanks for taking the time to talk to us today.

RH: Sure man no problem. I always have time not talk to the fake interview media.

FS!: That didn’t really make sense. Now let’s start fabricating some data.

RH: Sounds good.

FS!: So Roy, playoff no-hitter. How does that feel?

RH: Every [expletive] journalist has asked me that. What do you mean ‘how does it feel’? That is bush league [expletive].

FS!: Dude, its not like I’m a real journalist. I use these interviews to both mock players and the interview process. Hence, the first question.

RH: Gotcha. But seriously. Journalists. Stop asking that question. It feels pretty [expletive] good. Use your imagination.

FS!: This is a classic example of a blog making fun of mainstream media. I might as well call it: LameStream media.

RH: That’s a dope ass pun, brah.

FS!: So Roy, what do you have to say about Tim Lincecum? His start in Game 1 of the NLDS against the Braves has been called better than yours.

RH: I don’t mean to look down upon people, but how many hits did Lice-cum give up? Two. I gave up zero. I mean look at that number. That’s the only number that matters. Right? Hits. Not runs. Not walks. Not Ks.

FS!: Well I mean, arguably, things like WHIP and VORP are more helpful statistics.

RH: Oh gosh. How could I forget about sabermetrics, baseball’s most valuable statistics?!

FS!: I don’t know if you’re being sarcastic or not.

RH: Not.

FS!: Okay. So back to Tim. Do you think he will repeat as Cy Young? I’m pretty sure a Philly journalist referred to you as ‘this year’s Cy Young Award Winner.’ Did I miss something? Lincecum played awfully well too.

RH: Classic Philly. Anointing someone before they even know what’s gonna happen. That’s what happened with Lindros and McNabb.

FS!: That’s not really true with either of those people.

RH: Psh. Are you even FROM Philly?

FS!: No, I never claimed that at all. I’m from Texas.

RH: Oh really. What county?

FS!: I don’t wanna get into my exact location.

RH: That’s probably cuz your county is SHIT.

FS!: Woah. Why didn’t I edit out that expletive??!

RH: I don’t understand the context of the question within the form of a live interview.

FS!: So Roy. Do you think you guys have what it takes?

RH: Well, it really depends who we ultimately face off with in the World Series. I mean at this point we are totally looking past the Giants because frankly their team ERA has been awful and once you get past Lincecum it’s basically like taking BP. I’m going to have a field day at the plate.

FS!: Was that even coherent? SF’s team ERA is 0.93. Matt Cain and Jonathan Sanchez are by no means pushovers. And you aren’t a particularly good hitter, are you?

RH: If I had to compare myself to an AL pitcher, I would be CJ Wilson.

FS!: I don’t understand why you would compare yourself to a pitcher in the other league who has probably less than 10 ABs all season.

RH: Dude, have you seen that guy hit? It’s like frozen rope central. He just gets unlucky because the fielders are usually in the way of his hot shots.

FS!: I actually have watched alot of CJ Wilson this year. I was moderately impressed with his batting but then again, he’s a pitcher that bats in like sub 5 games a year. That’s a function of the AL and the fact that he’s a pitcher. What a god awful comparison.

RH: That’s why they call me Doc Halladay.

FS!: That is not why they call you that. I don’t really understand the nickname.

RH: I’m a gunslinger. Like the Brett Favre of the MLB. Or the NL. I think CC Sabathia does better gunslingin’ than me in the AL.

FS!: What a coherent thought. Great way to end the interview. Oh and thanks for the Brett Favre reference. That’ll stack some mad hits.

**************************

Fun game!

Replace Roy Halladay with any other pitcher in the MLB. See if the interview changes in the slightest bit!

I ❤ h8rs

 

UPDATE: I wrote this like a week ago.

The NL is Worse than the AL

Although the image edits the spelling of the headline it says

‘Happ stymies Cardinals with two-SHIT shutout’

‘Road gets rougher with two-SHIT shutout’

Oh my gosh y’all they misspelled something!

Let’s all go have a cow.

But it does get to a bigger point about the difference between the NL and the AL.

The NL sucks in every way except one:

Pitchers get to bat.

‘Yo, FS!, bro. The NL and the AL are basically the same’

Falso, BRO.

The Rangers and the Rays and the not-Padres play in the AL.

That’s gotta be worth something.

While I’m posting pictures, I’ll go ahead and throw in a picture of hungry Deangelo Hall, mid-game accepting a hot dog gift from a fan.

Apparently the fan wanted a helmet but had to settle for an autographed hat.

It appears to be an ugly hat.

Wonder if the fan knew he was gonna ‘get shafted’ by Deangelo or if he was ‘just happy to be there’

I heard Deangelo was allergic to sauerkraut. Wonder if this guy was secretly a Jets fan and was trying to make Hall’s ‘throat close up’

Here’s the dialogue in this guys head:

‘I’m gonna go to the game dressed in Redskins apparel on the off-chance Deangelo Hall asks for a hot dog and then I’ll give it to him and he won’t notice the potentially life threatening susbstance on top of the hot dog and will need to go to the emergency room/morgue and the Jets will win. And I’ll get an ugly hat out of it!’

Nothing else interesting happened in sports today. Cut me a break.

The Briti Shopen

I love England. Its a pretty legit place once you get past the Queen and all her hotness/rockin’ bod.

Regardless, the British Open sucks. Except for every 5 years. It should be every 1 year and then it would never suck.

You know what I’m talkin’ ’bout.

St. Andrews (From this point forward to be referred to as Saint Androos.)

If only he knew how his legacy has been tainted..

So good ol’ Saint Androos hosts some lame golf tournament every 5 years. Its an amazing course. I luv it.

I am willing to bet anyone 10 bucks that I can shoot better than them on that course. (Coming Clean: I’m not actually willing to do that.)

But that fact that they made a golf course that has some holes sharing a green is either a sign of lack of foresight of golf’s meteoric rise to 6th most popular sport in America or just sheer bravado.

Yes, Soccer moved up to 5 due to the World Cup. Arguably it should overtake hockey. But that’s another post. Probably tomorrow. I’m flying by the seat of my shorts. Jean shorts.

Anyway, Saint Androos is so amazing because people are putting from 50 yards out. The Road hole has a single bunker that is so intimidating I heard Tiger said mean things about it. Couldn’t figure out where to go with that anecdote. Dammit.

With all that being said here are 5 Things The People Who Run The British Open Should Do To Fix The British Open’s Current Format.

  1. Play it at Saint Androos every year.
  2. I am already out of ideas.
  3. I thought this would work better.
  4. Time to throw in some British stereotypes that are ‘Funny’ (But really not funny)
  5. Make the players eat meat pies with bad teeth on a rainy day.
  6. Gosh #5 sure is funny.
  7. Would it be annoying to do a post entirely in List Form? That gives me an idea. I’m gonna do an entire post in list form.

Oh one other issue, make every Par 4 reachable off the tee and make every Par 5 a driver then a wedge. I am paying to see eagles and birdies. Not just birdies.

The winner was -17 or whatever. I would rather see -50. I want 59s to be commonplace.

Or possibly go to the Modified Stableford System. Don’t know what that is? Watch the celebrity/athlete Lake Tahoe ProAm. That’s the only place you’ll find it. Not on Google or anything..

Open that British!

Oh and about 2 paragraphs ago, I said I was paying for something? Nah, JK. I am not paying for anything. So I mean, I guess you don’t have to listen to me.

Also: Is this a new paragraph or what? Stanza? I don’t know. These are the things that keep me up at night.

So how about DWade calling the World Trade Center equivalent to the Heat losing 3 regular season games in a row.

(I am tempting your rude comment about “OMG!!! HE DIDN’T SaY ThAt!!!!!”)

Seriously. I want you to comment.

I hate the Heat.

I Haeat.

Adam Lambert Got Robbed all over the gym!

Interesting capitalization in the title. Oh well.

Read on:

AT&T says its employees didn’t change the outcome of “American Idol.”

The company says a few of its overeager employees took demo phones with them to “American Idol” viewing parties in Arkansas, and helped fans text their votes.

According to a person familiar with the gatherings, about 20 phones were brought to two separate parties in Arkansas, and 2 of the phones were capable of sending multiple votes by so-called “power-texting.”

I know. I’m upset too!

This is the scandal that American Idol needed.

So sure, there’s really not a controversy because its 20 phones after all.

But leave it up to the Blogosphere to blow this out of proportion.

(That’s me)

THIS IS THE BIGGEST SCANDAL SINCE THE FIRST YEAR WHEN JUSTIN GUARINI GOT ROBBED BY WHATSHERNOOB CLARKSON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is the face Kris Allen made right after he found out about The American Idol Scandal-gate.
This is the face Kris Allen made right after he found out about The American Idol Scandal-gate.

I’m an Adam Lambert fan. And I frankly can’t sleep because of this news.

Now, I know what you’re thinking:

“Hey, have you even tried to sleep since you heard the news? Isn’t it the middle of the afternoon?”

Simple answer; I TAKE NAPS.

So yes, I have tried and FAILED to sleep.

I blame the disgust.

On another, more controversial and personal issue, we need to git red of American Idol all together.

Oh LOL, sorry. I meant “get rid.” You can’t make stuff like that up. LOL.

American Idol is shrill and noobish. We need to either a) get rid of it or b) make it a dating show in addition to all that SINGING.

Yes. I just thought of a great idea!!!!!

One bed, 12 contestants.

EVEN BETTER IDEA.

12 beds, One contestant.

Ah, that wasn’t as funny as it could have been.

I blame you.

<This is Adam Lambert right after he found out about TAIS-gate. He was SO mad.
This is Adam Lambert right after he found out about TAIS-gate. He was SO mad.

So this wasn’t a sports post.

But think about it.

I’m willing to bet something like 94% of all athletes in the world watch American Idol.

Trust me.