Handicapping The ‘ntest

The Dunk Contest that is.

So the guys dunking have been announced.

Blake Griffin, Serge Ibaka, Brandon Jennings, and JaVale McGee.

Solid solid.

LetBrandonJenningsBeADunkContestDarkHorse.com is the latest grassroots campaign to allow a lesser-known player to be in the Dunk Contest.

Who is going to win:

Blake Griffin is going off as a 2:9 favorite.

Serge Ibaka is checking in as a moderate underdog at 100:1.

Brandon Jennings and JaVale McGee are tied at 1,090:3.

What this means:

Blake Griffin will win 9 out of every 2 dunk contests.

Serge will win 1 out of every 100.

Brandon Jennings and JaVale McGee will tie every 1 out of 363.3333 contests.

Serge Ibaka, Future Dunk Contest Runner Up

While those odds are mostly made up, I believe that Blake Griffin will win.

But he could absolutely be a disappointment.

The Dunk Contest is full of those (see: LetShannonDunk.com circa 2009, Brent Barry circa 1996)

Serge could be a creative guy and no one knows. He’s got the ups.

Brandon Jennings tweeted he, alright I guess he didn’t. But I had a dream he Tweeted ‘goin’ back to my hs ups.’ Theoretically he did and deleted it. But he broke his foot. So I don’t see him winning.

JaVale McGee is an idiot. So he won’t win.

Please don’t watch that whole video.

‘Woah hey everyone, I know you read the Fantastik Sports post today!’ -A Cool Bro

‘Ya’ -Everyone

‘Well I loved it first off. But finally, a blog post without a single mention of how broken the dunk contest is.’ -A Cool Bro

‘Ya’ -Everyone

‘It was refreshing in its simplicity and compellingness’ -A Cool Bro

‘Ya’ -Everyone

Some cool bros going to take a piano lesson (via Piano Teachers Forum of Grand Rapids)

 

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LA Times, Get At Me

The LA Times Magazine apparently exists. Whether it has an audience outside of LA or even their own offices remains to be seen.

UPDATE I: It has a circulation of 250,000. Whatever that means.

UPDATE II: I made that up.

Either way they take magnificent pictures of LA-based athletes.

Kobe Bryant, LA Laker

That was a pretty popular picture. At least on the blogosphere.

Although y’all probably don’t read any other blogs. You just some how found mine. And only read mine. Right.

Either way Kobe looks really good in this picture. At least in my opinion.

I think the all white signifies his purity.

That wasn’t meant to be a sex joke. So don’t take it that way.

Was he planning on climbing on the pane-less glass window ladder thing? Or just wearing a bowtie with like a skullcap-hat combo and chillin?

This has been riffed on enough.

Andre Ethier, LA Dodger

WHAT IS GOING ON.

I dig velvet. Who doesn’t.

I also dig bowties. Kobe had one, Andre has one. LA Times Mag digs them too.

But why does he look like Willy Wonka. I am SURE that joke has been made but seriously. It bares repeating. Bears. Or bares. I really don’t know.

Why does he have a cane? Is he trying to tell us something? Is he injured? Is he playing hurt? Can he even walk anymore? Dodgers fans. I need you. Hit me up. Is Ethier okay?

Andre Ethier, LA Dodger

Mad Men is super popular. I don’t mind this shot.

But it doesn’t confirm that he isn’t hurt. Look at his right foot (your left) because he’s not putting any weight on it.

ANDRE ETHIER IS INJURED. You heard it here first.

Andre Ethier, LA Dodger

Am I the only one who thought Andre Ethier was black?

Also: the bowtie count is up to 3.

Thick pinstripe count: TOO MANY.

He looks like an asshole.

He plays baseball. He doesn’t go to theme parties all the time.

UPDATE I: He actually does. He ‘loves a good mafia-themed bash.’ Direct quote.

UPDATE II: Direct made-up quote.

Andre Ethier, LA Dodger

This seems fake.

LA Times, Get At Me. I want a photoshoot. I’ll even play for the Padres if I have to.

UPDATE: LA is not San Diego. Sorry Padres.

Fake Interview With Lance Armstrong: Revisited

lance armstrong.

he asked ME for an interview.

he wants to get his story out to the 5 people that will read this.

yes, i am talking to YOU.

anyway here it is.

Part 2.

************************************

LA: Hey man. How you been since the last interview?

FS!: NM JC. I’ve been doing the whole blog thing. And whatnot. What about you?

LA: Oh not too much. I just lost the Tour de France.

FS!: Isn’t finishing that considered to be a big accomplishment? Like a marathon? Except on a bike? And way more mountains than a marathon?

LA: You know for most that’s probably true. But I like to think of myself in a different class than the n00bs that usually participate in that. I won like 7 times in a row. I think.

FS!: You aren’t even sure of your own success? Did you know memory loss is a sign of blood doping?

LA: Yes, how could I forget that?

FS!: Well played, Lance. But let’s get right down to this mug. Did you blood dope?

LA: When? Could you be specific?

FS!: Anytime before or during the TdF.

LA: Hellz yez. I wanted to win. Everyone was doing it.

FS!: Now, everyone here knows I love using cliches.

LA: It’s just me here.

FS!: Precisely. But using your reasoning, that everyone was doing it, would it be appropriate to jump off a bridge just because the cool kids did it?

LA: Well, if you wanted to be cool….

FS!: I feel the same way! How does no one get that you have to do as the cool kids to be cool?

LA: I don’t know. Parents have ruined society with this whole concept of individuality. The cool kids are cool for a reason.

FS!: I have never felt closer with you ever before.

LA: Any more questions?

FS!: Just one. What are you doing later tonight?

LA: Probz chillin witt thaa GF.

FS!: Oh really? Who are you dating right now?

LA: I’m trying to keep our relationship on the down low.

FS!: Okay. I respect your privacy.

LA: It’s Lindsay Lohan.

FS!: Oh excellent. Because now I can tag her in this post and possibly gain more hits.

LA: Wow. What a win-win for your blog!

FS!: So let me revisit some of the questions from our last interview. For example: how is the ol’ c-bone?

LA: My collarbone? That’s been healed for about a year now. So fine.

FS!: Does blood doping help that heal?

LA: You know what. I don’t know. It could but that’s not why I doped my blood so hard. I did it so I could win. Obvii.

FS!: Could you have doped your blood softly and still won?

LA: I mean maybe. But Lance Armstrong is all about going hard and being hard.

FS!: You heard it here first. Lance Armstrong is all about going hard and being hard. So Lance. Do you think doing this interview makes you hard?

LA: Oh it definitely makes me hard. I mean people on the streetz r finna b tlkin bout cha boi Armstreezy and how he is so hard.

FS!: Why did you talk like that?

LA: Idk my bff jill. I lik 2 switch btwn tlkng lik a 6th grade gurl nd tlkng lik I grew up n tha hood.

FS!: Do you just want me to guess how to spell what you just verbalized?

LA: Ya. That should be fine. I mean, as long as the readers get how hard I am at all times then we’re good.

FS!: Ever hang out with McConaughey anymore?

LA: Nah not really. I find he’s too stupid for me.

FS!: Don’t blame you at all.

************************************

Matt + Lance 4neva!

March Makes Me Mad(ness)

So it’s March.

Birds are chirping, rebirth, trees are getting green again.

I hate the cliches about spring and stuff but I love the weather.

But this isn’t a weather blog. I wish it was sometimes…

Anyway.

March Madness. The brackets. Bracketology. Joe Lunardi’s 1 week job.

This is a timeless idea. Fantastic. My favorite time in the college basketball season for everyone.

However, this ‘bracket’ has been… to put it lightly… castrated… by anyone who wants to have a competition to decide anything ever.

They are a dime a dozen and frankly the concept just wears thin after this many. Heck, it wears thin after one copy.

Here are some of the more egregious ones:

  • Muppet Madness

First off. Where are the seeds? Is Kermit a 1-seed? Elmo’s a 3-seed? Fraggle Rock gets its own region?

I know. Everyone looooooves Fraggle Rock. “Dude, that show’s epic! I loved it when I was a kid!” (Yes, if you still talk about Fraggle Rock you also say ‘epic’. Two strikes.)

But let’s be honest. Whoever made this bracket is totalllllllly stretching.

Stretching worse than someone who’s about to run a marathon? I don’t think that’s a very funny analogy.

  • Book Madness

This is a contest for novels released this year.

No one reads novels released this year except for JK Rowling and Jodi Picoult (Some terrible writer. She’s on top of the NY Times Best Sellers right now. Sue me.)

Probably could have ended that sentence after reads.

No one reads.

  • Fug Madness

This is a contest for celebrities who dress in ‘fugly’ clothes.

Besides the questionable name, this is really stupid.

I have a well-publicized feud with the concept of celebrity pandering and pay attention to them. (It’s not well-publicized, but it does exist.)

One of the 1-seeds is Lady Gaga. I find that to be disgusting. I love her fashion.

She’s hot.

(I’m kidding.)

  • Korean Madness

I really lost steam with that last one. I’ll try to get it back.

This is a bracket where you pick your favorite Korean Food recipes.

If that doesn’t explain why it’s on this list, then you should stop reading my blog.

Now I think I’ll mock Korean food.

There’s a HUGE match-up of GukBap against Gwajul/Yakgwa in the Northern Quarters.

Up until this point, GukBap has really been the story of this tournament.

In the first round, it blew out Daedonggang SungeoGuk, a dish I had in my Final Four.

Look for that dish to run into a roadblock against Gwajul/Yakgwa. They breezed through to this stage, blowing their previous opponents out by an average margin of 88-12.

That’s all the energy I can muster up to mock this Korean food bracket.

Hey.

Someone pour me a delicious, piping hot bowl of GukBap. It looks really good.

A Fake Interview with Jimmie Johnson

FS!: Howdy Jimmie. How are things? Darn tootin’?

JJ: Why are you talking like that?

FS!: All racecar drivers are hicks and I figured if I mocked you it would make you feel more welcome.

JJ: Dad-gum son, you done good!

FS!: Anyway, how are you? The season’s winding down, your thoughts.

JJ: Well I’m going to win the Sprint Cup, so I am doing pretty good. Plus my wife is hot.

FS!: Wow. How misogynistic. Try not to be so sexist. Stupid hick.

JJ: Sorry. I guess loving my wife is sexist now.

FS!: Yeah. Shut up about your wife. We don’t want to hear about her and her stupid nice body.

JJ: I forgot this was family blog. I’ll tone down the PG material, like calling a woman attractive.

FS!: Much appreciated.

Jimmie Johnson's wife is hot.

JJ: So.

FS!: So I’m going to ask you what everyone in my audience is thinking: why am I interviewing you?

JJ: My agent is a genius. I pinched myself earlier. This is like a dream come true.

FS!: But I hate racecar driving. And NASCAR. So why am I even sitting here?

JJ: I don’t really know. On another note though, I can’t believe the size of your office building. And that receptionist? She was hot.

FS!: Watch your damn language.

JJ: Oh I get why that last thing was funny. Because you told me to not say anything semi-explicit by using an explicit word.

FS!: Finally. Someone who gets me.

JJ: I’m glad you’ve come to accept me.

FS!: No, I still hate you and everything you stand for. Why is car driving even a sport?

JJ: (shrugs shoulders) I don’t know.

FS!: I’ll tell you why it isn’t. Because it isn’t hard! Anyone can drive a car! At 200 miles an hour! Around a small track with 39 other people! In a race setting!

JJ: Wow. I’ve seen the light. You are so right. That takes no skill. If that’s true, then why do I have so much money?

FS!: Who knows? I’ll tell you who: Hicks.

JJ: Yeah. Those stupid hicks. Except they don’t even like me. I’m too clean cut.

FS!: Too clean cut for hicks? Now I’ve heard it all.

JJ: I know! I assumed they could respect someone who shaved and was pretty fit. But apparently no dice.

FS!: Maybe you should go back to saying things like “dagnabbit” and “rassle.”

JJ: Can you use “rassle” in a normal sentence?

FS!: I’m going to go rassle me some varmints!

JJ: Good call.

FS!: Thanks.

JJ: Anyway. Back to me being clean cut. I had scruff for, like, a whole day. Those people just can’t be pleased.

FS!: Except by NASCAR.

Pictured: Jimmie Johnson, scruff. Not pictured: The respect of hicks.

JJ: How ironic.

FS!: This is weird. It’s like I’m interviewing myself.

JJ: That’s what I was going to say!

FS!: Twins.

JJ: Well you do have rugged good looks, much like myself.

FS!: Damn skippy.

JJ: Well, I do declare, we should have a hoedown!

FS!: Will there be a fiddle player?

JJ: But of course! And we will do western-y things!

FS!: Stop using Exclamation points.

JJ: Sorry!

FS!: NASCAR sucks.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Sorry. Short one today. Little bored with the topic.

It’ll be better tomorrow.

Note to LeBron James: Really? AND Note to Nate Burleson: Nice call.

LeBron's Shoes. Commemorating the Yankees and their 27th World Championship.
LeBron's Shoes. Commemorating the Yankees and their 27th World Championship.

LeBron says he doesn’t want to talk about free agency 2010.

Would he rather us talk about his New York-centricness?

First off these are a fashion monstrosity.

The baseball toes or whatever they’re called are awful. The PinStripedBaseball Motif is awful.

You’re playing basketball. You know that right? NO CROSS-SPORT-REFERENCING SHOES. That’s just confusing.

Second off, the Yankees are stupid and lame.

Third off, LeBron wants to go to New York. He may as well have painted his face saying “I Want To Go To New York In 2010 And Sign A Max Deal”

But then again, his face isn’t that big.

Factoid: The Yankees won 10 of their 27 World Series championships when baseball was still segregated.

Newsflash: LeBron James is black.

Cue: The Ironic Music.

jackie robinson
Jackie Robinson, first black player in the MLB, stealing home. Its almost as if home was something to do with integrating baseball.

On a more important note, we have a FANTASY ALERT.

Pick up Nate Burleson.

Nate Burleson, Seattle Seahawks WR, has said the following:

“Listen, I don’t want to give anybody any bulletin board material, but I do believe it was Herman Edwards [who said] we play to win the game. Period,” Burleson said, via SeattlePI.com. “So, we’re going on the road to play a football game. We’re gonna win.

“I don’t care what you say. People can print it in the paper, they can send it to the teams we’re playing. But they know just like we know, we’re going to win the game.”

Seattle, owners of a 3-5 record this year, also owners of a 27-3 beatdown at the hands of the Arizona Cardinals, a game where Matt Hasselbeck passed for a whopping 112 yards and Orange Julius Jones rushed for 5, count em on one hand, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 yards.

I don’t think that last sentence had a verb.

Oh well.

What was this picture's original purpose? Advertising luggage?
What was this picture's original purpose? Advertising luggage?

Seattle plays those same Cardinals. On the road.

Those same Cardinals who thoroughly drilled the Chicago Bears, 41-21, last week.

Sure, Nate, you have crazy, wild stats. (3 TDs in a half season? Somebody get him to pee in a cup!)

But even Pacman Jones is shaking his head at you. (Because he knows you shoulda kept your mouth shut. Not cuz you’re lighting up opposing secondaries. Because you aren’t doing the latter.)

nate burleson
What a sweet blazer.

Although you average 0.375 TDs a game, you should be careful what you say.

Arizona’s finna run train on the Seahawks.

This isn’t going to be pretty.

Speaking of which.

His face is bigger than I thought. Maybe it would fit.
His face is bigger than I thought. Maybe it would fit.

 

 

Jay Glazer baits me into a rant about the Cowboys Video Board.

http://twitter.com/Jay_Glazer/status/3592734154

I do not follow Jay Glazer on Twitter.

I will never follow Jay Glazer on Twitter.

However, this is one of the greatest Tweets of all time.

jay glazer

Although this doesn’t reference the name, he means the new Cowboys Stadium video board.

Apparently Jay Glazer can’t throw a potato 90 feet in the air. He even tried 4 times. If that isn’t significant, I don’t know what is.

This brings me to my next point. The Cowboys video board controversy.

Yes, it may need to be moved. Or punters could just not be such babies.

All I see is a bunch of over-paid n00bs making this their 5 seconds of fame.

I’ve said it once and I will say it again: NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOU, A.J. TRAPASSO. Or ANY PUNTER FOR THAT MATTER.

Dude has a STRONG cult following. Probably because he went to THE Ohio State University.
Dude has a STRONG cult following. Probably because he went to THE Ohio State University.

Punters need to sit down and shut up. Although in their case, I guess then need to kick the ball and shut up.

My way or the high way, dawgs.

Maybe it needs to be moved, but then again a grand total of 1 person cares about that. And you know who that person is, America? Whichever punter is talking into the mic at the time.

You think Trapasso goes home to his wife/or whatever and complains about the video board? Maybe. There’s no way of knowing.

Maybe we should bug his house. I’m looking at you, Mr. whoever has the authority to do that.

This brings me to my final point.

Jerry Jones did this intentionally.

Call me a conspiracy theorist, because I am one.

Jerry Jones knows that there’s no such thing as bad press. Except I think there is. But I’m not here to argue.

This picture is so clever that the joke is over my head.
This picture is so clever that the joke is over my head.

Anyway.

Jerry Jones will do anything to get anyone, anywhere to talk about him or anything he’s involved in.

Anything!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So maybe he tried to get some attention by making the screen just a smidge too low.

Oh man I just thought of an even better conspiracy.

Jerry Jones hired Trapasso to jack balls in to the screen, just for the press. Oh, and then bad mouth the screen to the press.

Would Jerry pay someone to talk bad about his 1.2 Billi stadium? Yes. He would. I guarantee it.

I’m talking about it aren’t I?

P.S. On a serious note, if the NFL makes Jerry Jones move the board, they better foot the bill.

Sure Jerry is redonkulously rich but the NFL gave him clearance for the board and if they switch up approval, making him pay wouldn’t be cool.

Just think, what would Vince Lombardi do? If I only knew…

He was cute. In an ugly way.
He was cute. In an ugly way.