Fake Interview With Lance Armstrong: Revisited

lance armstrong.

he asked ME for an interview.

he wants to get his story out to the 5 people that will read this.

yes, i am talking to YOU.

anyway here it is.

Part 2.

************************************

LA: Hey man. How you been since the last interview?

FS!: NM JC. I’ve been doing the whole blog thing. And whatnot. What about you?

LA: Oh not too much. I just lost the Tour de France.

FS!: Isn’t finishing that considered to be a big accomplishment? Like a marathon? Except on a bike? And way more mountains than a marathon?

LA: You know for most that’s probably true. But I like to think of myself in a different class than the n00bs that usually participate in that. I won like 7 times in a row. I think.

FS!: You aren’t even sure of your own success? Did you know memory loss is a sign of blood doping?

LA: Yes, how could I forget that?

FS!: Well played, Lance. But let’s get right down to this mug. Did you blood dope?

LA: When? Could you be specific?

FS!: Anytime before or during the TdF.

LA: Hellz yez. I wanted to win. Everyone was doing it.

FS!: Now, everyone here knows I love using cliches.

LA: It’s just me here.

FS!: Precisely. But using your reasoning, that everyone was doing it, would it be appropriate to jump off a bridge just because the cool kids did it?

LA: Well, if you wanted to be cool….

FS!: I feel the same way! How does no one get that you have to do as the cool kids to be cool?

LA: I don’t know. Parents have ruined society with this whole concept of individuality. The cool kids are cool for a reason.

FS!: I have never felt closer with you ever before.

LA: Any more questions?

FS!: Just one. What are you doing later tonight?

LA: Probz chillin witt thaa GF.

FS!: Oh really? Who are you dating right now?

LA: I’m trying to keep our relationship on the down low.

FS!: Okay. I respect your privacy.

LA: It’s Lindsay Lohan.

FS!: Oh excellent. Because now I can tag her in this post and possibly gain more hits.

LA: Wow. What a win-win for your blog!

FS!: So let me revisit some of the questions from our last interview. For example: how is the ol’ c-bone?

LA: My collarbone? That’s been healed for about a year now. So fine.

FS!: Does blood doping help that heal?

LA: You know what. I don’t know. It could but that’s not why I doped my blood so hard. I did it so I could win. Obvii.

FS!: Could you have doped your blood softly and still won?

LA: I mean maybe. But Lance Armstrong is all about going hard and being hard.

FS!: You heard it here first. Lance Armstrong is all about going hard and being hard. So Lance. Do you think doing this interview makes you hard?

LA: Oh it definitely makes me hard. I mean people on the streetz r finna b tlkin bout cha boi Armstreezy and how he is so hard.

FS!: Why did you talk like that?

LA: Idk my bff jill. I lik 2 switch btwn tlkng lik a 6th grade gurl nd tlkng lik I grew up n tha hood.

FS!: Do you just want me to guess how to spell what you just verbalized?

LA: Ya. That should be fine. I mean, as long as the readers get how hard I am at all times then we’re good.

FS!: Ever hang out with McConaughey anymore?

LA: Nah not really. I find he’s too stupid for me.

FS!: Don’t blame you at all.

************************************

Matt + Lance 4neva!

a fake interview with the real lance armstrong

lance armstrong.

he asked ME for an interview.

he wants to get his story out to the 5 people that will read this.

yes, i am talking to YOU.

anyway here it is.

************************************

FantastikSports: Hey Lance.

Lance Armstrong: Sup. I have a question. What do I call you?

FS!: Just call me Sheryl Crow.

LA: That is both really stupid and really hurtful.

FS!: You aren’t that familiar with this blog are you?

LA: Nope.

FS!: Oh. Anyway. How’s the c-bone?

LA: Oh you know, same old.

FS!: Really? Because it was in 4 chunks. That sounds like different new, not same old.

LA: Yeah well. When you have won the Tour De France 7 times in a row, broken collarbones don’t hurt you anymore.

FS!: Oh so you mean compared to the pain of the Tours, this is nothing?

LA: No i mean winning that many times makes your collarbone, and only your collarbone, does not hurt every.

FS!: That makes no sense.

LA: Not to you.

FS!: Anyway. Enough easy questions. Did you use steroids?

LA: Yes. And i know what you’re thinking, but it wasnt like that.

FS!: How was it not “like that”?

LA: Don’t ask questions.

FS!: Well if i can’t ask questions, this is going to be an awkward interview.

LA: Story of my life.

FS!: How? How is THAT the story of your life?

LA: It just felt right.

FS!: How do you feel about your nicknames?

LA: I didn’t think i had any nicknames.

FS!: Well there’s Sir Lancealot. Mr. Tour. And then there’s another one thats kind of offensive.

LA: What is it?

FS!: Have you never heard it?

LA: Noperroni.

FS!: Lance CollarboneWeak

LCW: What does that even mean?

FS!: Well see.. your real name is ArmStrong.

LCW: No its just Armstrong, not ArmStrong.

FS!: Oh okay. Anyway. Armstrong, and you broke your collarbone, its a play on your last name.

LCW: It seems stupid. Whoever made it up is stupid.

FS!: Yeah. That’s true. But he probably has a pretty cool blog, don’t ya think?

LCW: Why would I think that?

FS!: No reason. Hey, when we see the guy who made up that cruel, but awesome nickname, let’s beat him up.

LCW: Yeah. Do you know where we can find this dude?

FS!: No. I have never heard anything about him. Or his blog.

************************************

So there you have it.

Lance Armstrong is looking for you, person who made up that nickname.

P.S. It was me Lance.

P.P.S. Lance Armstrong said Nopperoni. Which is a combination of Nope and Pepperoni.

P.P.P.S. Noperroni ftw.

Matt + Lance 4eva!
Matt + Lance 4eva!

i’m pro-steroid!

anyway.

i like cheating.

i like to think roger clemens says “if you ain’t cheating, you ain’t trying”

roger clemens was framed.

aroid was not.

its not the fact that aroid cheated that i don’t like.

its the fact that he won’t

a. admit it

b. ADMIT IT.

c. at least, get a better excuse.

apparently in our culture when you are 27 you are very young.

last time i checked YOU AREN’t

now you may be saying “wow good point, you have such a way with words, great blog bro”

well to that i say thank you. and i don’t appriciate your sarcasm.

why do i like steroids though?

i like competition.

and because steroid are outlawed, that’s not competition.

thats one naive young mariner/ranger/yankee who happens to go to somewhere in latin america and inject himself randomly in a shanty.

NOT COMPETITION!!!!!

if everyone could use steroids we would have totally ballin sports leagues.

averages joes like you could play pretty well.

i assume….

but no.

baseball has to be all “woah man i have a bad haircut and i hate cheating”

and by baseball i mean bud selig.

"I hate fun!!!!!"
"I hate fun!!!!!"

OKC Thunder Preview

Have they announced the team name yet?

Oh well i know anyway.

Impressed?

I thought so.

anywho,

Let’s preview their season.

Starting PG: Earl Watson is literally the only PG listed on their roster. So I guess i have no choice.

WRONG I NEVER BACK DOWN. Answer: Start two SGs yall!

Real Starting PG: Russell Westbrook. Just so he can injure himself for going to UCLA in the first game. Tool. Bruin tool.

Starting SG: Damien Wilkins. Dominiques kid. I assume. So he must be good right? WHRONG. Dominique was at best a mediocre player and an amazing dunker. So an all-around baller. So Damien must be GREAT. right? wait are they related? no? yes? i dont honestly care.

Starting SF: Desmond Mason. ‘Nique and new-‘Nique. Wait no Shawn Kemps not on this team. sorry. scratch that. but still he led to bucks to some successful seasons. wait. no. the bucks suck. with or without bogut. always.

Starting PF: DJ White. Everyone thought he was a good college player. When i saw him i was unimpressed. I start him over Joe Smith. Why? Cuz Joe Smith was in NBA Live V3. ‘Nuff said. PART 2!

Starting C:They literally have 5 (5!) centers on their roster. None of which are good enough to ride the bench on the Bucks! is that nuts? yes and no. the bucks have bogut. who sucks. so cmon 0/5 on the centers? wow. instead i give Joe Smith the nod. Cuz maybe he might score. Just like he didnt against my NBA Street V3 team! WHUDDUP JOE SMITH.

Post-NBA Street V3 Game. Against me. Get PWN'd Joe Smith.
Post-NBA Street V3 Game. Against me. Get PWN'd Joe Smith.

Also please for the love of God let this article get out to the people before they announce the name.
IM AHEAD OF THE GAME.
IT IS AUGUST 25th.
I am ahead of the CURVE.

Had to put the post on ice which is why it is the 25th.

Not sure what day the internet will see this.

Michael Phelps Listens To Nothing

Think About It
Think About It

Apple Pays Michael millions just to have headphones in his ears.

What would he listen to if he werent listening to the sound of money?

In an exclusive FS! interview, he chatted with me:

FS!: Hey Mike. Im gonna call you mike. Hope thats okay mike. Mic.

MP: What? Oh sorry i was too busy not doing this interview. How did you even set this up?

FS!: Ill ask the questions mike. Or else.

MP: Is that a threat? Like for real man?

FS!: Hahaha you talk like an idiot. Like for real man. [Turned that around on him. Me-1, Mike-0]

MP: I won eight gold medals as of like i dunno 10 minutes ago. How does that make you feel?

FS!: Like for real man? You swim. Try winning like for real man 8 golds in team handball, or cycling. THAT would be impressive.

MP: What have you done with your life?

FS!: I’m sorry who’s running the interview?

MP: I don’t honestly know.

FS!: Me either.
Anywho, what do you listen to before a big race?

MP: I listen to nothing. I get the big bucks from apple or sony or whoever wants me to fake wear their headphones. I actually listen to stuff sometimes. They just want me to listen to nothing. Don’t print that.

FS!: So what DO you listen to?

MP: I just told you nothing, dammit.

FS!: Wait, I thought you said sometimes you do.

MP: Oh right. I made a stupid. [blah blah blah… swimming…you get the picture…butterfly…sidestroke…swimsuits…blah blah blah]. Mostly Weezy.

FS!: Is this libel?

MP: No. I am waiving my right to sue. Or take any legal action. Even though this would only matter if people read this blog. Which they dont. Especially not me. Thanks. I am Michael Phelps. Live from Beijing. Michael Phelps. Michael Phelps. 8 golds. Phelps. Hot. 8 golds.

———————————–

There you have it ladies and gentlemen.

He listens to weezy.

and nothing.

only when the moneys good.

think about it.

thats an opinion.

This is the first installment in a series of me faking interviews with current celebrities. Just wait til next week.

Nike, I Love You

I am one to buy into conspiracies. See: other blog entry about conspiracies.

I also have one brand I will buy just because it is that brand: Nike.

Both combine to form a superteam. A superteam and the DREAM TEAM.

What, you may ask, am i reffering to?

First off, dont ask dumb questions. Whenever anyone says there are no dumb questions, I simply ask “what’s a dumb question?” Mind blown by that cosmic thought.

YOUR WELCOME.

Good lord, long intro. ANYWHO,

The Dream Team team picture. The USA Olympic Basketball Team Picture.

Also people who are like the dream teams only that one time, or whenever. NOT THE CASE.

the dream team is team usa in an olympic year. idiot.

also DO NOT REFER TO THIS TEAM AS THE REDEEM TEAM. how much more cliche and contrived could that possibly be!?

okay really? still going oh well.

Dwight Howard is sponsored by adidas. the only such on the drama team. try that on for size.

but really he is the only adidas player. the rest are NIKE.

the picture is in height order right? so why does howard stand behind CHRIS BOSH, who are listed as the same height, although BOSH’S hair is clearly, CLEARLY taller.

why you ask? to cut adidas out of the olympic mind.

nike is genius.

so still, your thinking, cuz your smart, right, dwight howard is wearing adidas shoes and those MUST be showing in the pic. comma party!

NOPE, mike kryzetoolskiski is blocking them with his weak rod of a leg. thanks for being a tool, mike.

why is he even sitting? his weak legs couldnt support his fat torso? is this libel? whoops.

he does have quite the hairdo.

oh right heres the pic. thanks for listening. reading. paying some attention. money.

where's waldo?
where’s waldo? but really tayshaun prince made the team?
just conspiracy it.
just conspiracy it.

UPDATE:::Oh d-wade is uh converse. but he is a tool. so he does not count ever.