he asked ME for an interview.
he wants to get his story out to the 5 people that will read this.
yes, i am talking to YOU.
anyway here it is.
LA: Hey man. How you been since the last interview?
FS!: NM JC. I’ve been doing the whole blog thing. And whatnot. What about you?
LA: Oh not too much. I just lost the Tour de France.
FS!: Isn’t finishing that considered to be a big accomplishment? Like a marathon? Except on a bike? And way more mountains than a marathon?
LA: You know for most that’s probably true. But I like to think of myself in a different class than the n00bs that usually participate in that. I won like 7 times in a row. I think.
FS!: You aren’t even sure of your own success? Did you know memory loss is a sign of blood doping?
LA: Yes, how could I forget that?
FS!: Well played, Lance. But let’s get right down to this mug. Did you blood dope?
LA: When? Could you be specific?
FS!: Anytime before or during the TdF.
LA: Hellz yez. I wanted to win. Everyone was doing it.
FS!: Now, everyone here knows I love using cliches.
LA: It’s just me here.
FS!: Precisely. But using your reasoning, that everyone was doing it, would it be appropriate to jump off a bridge just because the cool kids did it?
LA: Well, if you wanted to be cool….
FS!: I feel the same way! How does no one get that you have to do as the cool kids to be cool?
LA: I don’t know. Parents have ruined society with this whole concept of individuality. The cool kids are cool for a reason.
FS!: I have never felt closer with you ever before.
LA: Any more questions?
FS!: Just one. What are you doing later tonight?
LA: Probz chillin witt thaa GF.
FS!: Oh really? Who are you dating right now?
LA: I’m trying to keep our relationship on the down low.
FS!: Okay. I respect your privacy.
LA: It’s Lindsay Lohan.
FS!: Oh excellent. Because now I can tag her in this post and possibly gain more hits.
LA: Wow. What a win-win for your blog!
FS!: So let me revisit some of the questions from our last interview. For example: how is the ol’ c-bone?
LA: My collarbone? That’s been healed for about a year now. So fine.
FS!: Does blood doping help that heal?
LA: You know what. I don’t know. It could but that’s not why I doped my blood so hard. I did it so I could win. Obvii.
FS!: Could you have doped your blood softly and still won?
LA: I mean maybe. But Lance Armstrong is all about going hard and being hard.
FS!: You heard it here first. Lance Armstrong is all about going hard and being hard. So Lance. Do you think doing this interview makes you hard?
LA: Oh it definitely makes me hard. I mean people on the streetz r finna b tlkin bout cha boi Armstreezy and how he is so hard.
FS!: Why did you talk like that?
LA: Idk my bff jill. I lik 2 switch btwn tlkng lik a 6th grade gurl nd tlkng lik I grew up n tha hood.
FS!: Do you just want me to guess how to spell what you just verbalized?
LA: Ya. That should be fine. I mean, as long as the readers get how hard I am at all times then we’re good.
FS!: Ever hang out with McConaughey anymore?
LA: Nah not really. I find he’s too stupid for me.
FS!: Don’t blame you at all.