Ilya Kovalchuk

First off. I spelled his name right. The first time. Without looking it up.

Secondly, does anyone care about him signing some outrageous 17 year deal with the Devil(s)?

Thirdly, was he forced to forfeit his soul in order to sign with the aforementioned Devil(s)?

In answer to my first question, ‘Yes, I in fact care.’

Now, don’t get me wrong. I am all for loyalty to a team. Drafting a player and watching them rise to the top of their field must be a rush of blood to the head.

Is a rush of blood to the head a good thing? I know its a Coldplay CD. So we’ll count it.

Kovalchuk is a Cold Playa

Ilya Kovalchuk can, by all means, sign for 20 years for all I care. Apparently its against the CBA of the NHL. Well NBD man let’s just listen to TCB by BTO. (CBA=Collective Bargaining Agreement, NHL=National Hockey League, NBD=No Big Deal, TCB=Takin’ Care ((of)) Business, BTO=Bachman Turner Overdrive)

That was a very subtle Simpsons reference.

Now, recently I have been reading FreeDarko. And Pitchfork Media. Both of which review sports and music respectively in very verbose and pretentious terms. Hence, I shall put on my FreeDarko Hat and review what Ilya Kovalchuk has done:

Ilya’s decision to commit to a singular for 1.7 decades recalls a simpler time, a simpler sound much like Miles Davis’ ‘Blue Period,’ a time where Miles sought something solid to grasp. The laconic tone of his post-signing press conference harkens the image of a loquacious child, who sees the future not as fear but as uncertainty. The deference of the NJ Devils organization to pursue such a puerile athlete chills further the very ice on which they play. Ilya’s style is secondary to his personality and while his game is distinctly older, he compares nicely to DeMarcus Cousins.

I could listen to him for Miles..

That was fun. If anyone can interpret that, they need to buy a dictionary. The majority of those adjectives were pulled out of the dark recesses of my medula my own stupidity. They recall a time of sophomoric misanthropy much as Picasso did when he painted the Hands of the Peasants.

Okay now I’m just making stuff up.

Ilya Kovalchuk just wants to make ‘mad bank’ althought I have read he’s actually making less money than he could.

That seems unlikely because when 2027 rolls around I doubt he could be doing work that would earn him $500,000.

Or would it be russian dollars because he’s russian.

Is he Russian?

I wrote the really pretentious part at like midnight last night so hopefully you found some humor in the ramblings.

Hey Bethlehem Shoals. Sup.

Is this you, Bethy?
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Kevin Youkilis

I’m saving a really good joke for the end. Just wait.

A Promotion For Some Charity and Kevin Youkilis

Woah.

Cool your jets, man.

I am NOT hating on charity. Please.

I’m like Joe Charity. Every weekend I’m either attending a benefit or running a 5k.

Not because the 5k is for a charity, its just how far I run.

Anyway.

I do not hate what he is doing this Mirror Mirror project for.

I just hate the fact that it describes one of the four looks above as “Youk’s Best Look Of All.”

That is so ridiculous.

He looks good in none.

The goatee only looks decent because that’s what we always see him in.

The mustache makes him look like a cop. And an ugly cop too.

Change cop to just person. He just looks like an ugly person.

Clean Shaven makes him look young. And he did not look good when he was young.

The Fu Man Chu is clearly a joke and this one will win. Because the Fu Man Chu is “funny”

“Funny” like Dane Cook is funny.

Wait, no that joke is overused.

“Funny” like Saturday Night Live is funny.

Yes. I do not think Saturday Night Live is funny. The only funny thing ever is Lazy Sunday. And even then.

I mean the charity part is good. Don’t get me wrong. But the actual contest is just unnecessary and dumb.

Kevin, you and I both know that your face is a temple. Let’s be honest.

You can be a beautiful man. You can.

But it’s things like this that make people not take you seriously.

Seriously.

Grow some hair on your hair. Not on your chin. Then that lady friend of yours might not look so distant from you. So take my word. I would know.

I know it’s a late post.

But I was like doing stuff.

Like watching Mighty Ducks.

Sorry.

SORRY FOR WATCHING GORDON BOMBAY AND CHARLIE CONWAY.

Redsox.

I pick everything that’s going on for the next like week?

Yeah. I don’t have much else to say so we’re gonna try this out.

Except the MLB. That would take wayyyy too long.

Tennis:

Federer over whoever he’s playing. Let’s be honest. If Djokovic was in it, then we’d have something to talk about. If Nadal was in it, then I’d be picking Nadal in 5 sets. But I think the Fed-meister will roll in straight sets. Oh, and if Tommy Haas was still in, then I’d pick Tommy.

4 and a half of the pictures of Tommy Haas are shirtless. Look it up. Oh, and the half is this picture. Because you can see his abs. Its like he's half-shirtless. Look I don't want to argue.
4 and a half of the pictures of Tommy Haas are shirtless. Look it up. Oh, and the half is this picture. Because you can see his abs. Its like he's half-shirtless. Look I don't want to argue.

Golf:

Tiger FTW. But not really. No one makes up like 6 strokes in 2 rounds at Muirfield. Sorry Tiger. I’m going Luke Donald. It’s about time he wins something. Besides a Hot Contest.

His hair is so perfect.
His hair is so perfect.

NHL:

Penguins win game 5 in Detroit, Red Wings win games 6 and 7, in Pittsburgh then Detroit. Yes, this is controversial. But have you come to expect anything less from me?

Or is it anything more. Oh well. I don’t care about hockey unless Zdeno Chara is involved.

Editor’s Note: This may be surprising but there are no funny pictures of Zdeno Chara. I am as shocked as you.

NBA:

If the series was like best of 4, then the Magic might have a shot. Yes, I know that 4 is an even number. The Magic’s best shot would be a 2-2 tie. And even then the Lakers might win 4-0.

So Lake-daddies in 5 or 6. It won’t be a sweep but it’ll feel like it.

College Baseball:

My upset special was the sub-.500 team of Utah but they didn’t make it. So I’m gonna pick the team that beat them for the win. (Yes, this was the perfect time for FTW but I held back.)

Cal State Fullerton. The Titans. If I’m not mistaken. Am I mistaken? Oh well.

Yeah, Joey Wong's that good.
Apparently this is a picture of CSF. Maybe its the guy sliding? I guess so. Whatever. Its impressive nonetheless.

i’m pro-steroid!

anyway.

i like cheating.

i like to think roger clemens says “if you ain’t cheating, you ain’t trying”

roger clemens was framed.

aroid was not.

its not the fact that aroid cheated that i don’t like.

its the fact that he won’t

a. admit it

b. ADMIT IT.

c. at least, get a better excuse.

apparently in our culture when you are 27 you are very young.

last time i checked YOU AREN’t

now you may be saying “wow good point, you have such a way with words, great blog bro”

well to that i say thank you. and i don’t appriciate your sarcasm.

why do i like steroids though?

i like competition.

and because steroid are outlawed, that’s not competition.

thats one naive young mariner/ranger/yankee who happens to go to somewhere in latin america and inject himself randomly in a shanty.

NOT COMPETITION!!!!!

if everyone could use steroids we would have totally ballin sports leagues.

averages joes like you could play pretty well.

i assume….

but no.

baseball has to be all “woah man i have a bad haircut and i hate cheating”

and by baseball i mean bud selig.

"I hate fun!!!!!"
"I hate fun!!!!!"

oj da juiceman

Oj simpson got sentenced today.

frankly i think it was a little overdramatic.

OJ was pissed for a legit reason.

i think the sentence was really make up for when he killed those people.

heisman trophy winners should not kill their wives.

maybe thats why rae carruth didnt win the heisman.

or actually that was just a girlfriend.. a pregnant girlfriend.

anyway maybe you shouldnt win the heisman if you have ever commited a felony.

yeah thats it.

thats why Jayson Williams didnt win one.

yeah wrong sport, but hey he killed his limo driver.

this is not that funny.

sorry yall.

im actually kinda making an argument..

weird.

more sports news.

sean avery was suspeneded.

thats so lame.

he was suspended for saying some dude is gettin with his ex-bitty.

what the hell gary?

is gary bettmann the nhl commish? i think so.

anywhat, the commish really dropped the ball on this one.

sean avery is a bad ass.

let it slide you baby.

on another note, i still hate:

Pacman Jones.

Three Doors Down.

Adding -ism, or -gate to anything ever, unless its an actual word as opposed to kitsch drivel.

OJ Simpson.

OJ da Juiceman. GO to culinary arts school somewhere else. hopefully its actual rap school dammit.

if you dont know who or what these things are, i reccoment google.com.

moving on.

i love:

KJ Choi

Sean Taylor

i like:

money.

that is all.

I Love You.
I Love You.

Nike, I Love You

I am one to buy into conspiracies. See: other blog entry about conspiracies.

I also have one brand I will buy just because it is that brand: Nike.

Both combine to form a superteam. A superteam and the DREAM TEAM.

What, you may ask, am i reffering to?

First off, dont ask dumb questions. Whenever anyone says there are no dumb questions, I simply ask “what’s a dumb question?” Mind blown by that cosmic thought.

YOUR WELCOME.

Good lord, long intro. ANYWHO,

The Dream Team team picture. The USA Olympic Basketball Team Picture.

Also people who are like the dream teams only that one time, or whenever. NOT THE CASE.

the dream team is team usa in an olympic year. idiot.

also DO NOT REFER TO THIS TEAM AS THE REDEEM TEAM. how much more cliche and contrived could that possibly be!?

okay really? still going oh well.

Dwight Howard is sponsored by adidas. the only such on the drama team. try that on for size.

but really he is the only adidas player. the rest are NIKE.

the picture is in height order right? so why does howard stand behind CHRIS BOSH, who are listed as the same height, although BOSH’S hair is clearly, CLEARLY taller.

why you ask? to cut adidas out of the olympic mind.

nike is genius.

so still, your thinking, cuz your smart, right, dwight howard is wearing adidas shoes and those MUST be showing in the pic. comma party!

NOPE, mike kryzetoolskiski is blocking them with his weak rod of a leg. thanks for being a tool, mike.

why is he even sitting? his weak legs couldnt support his fat torso? is this libel? whoops.

he does have quite the hairdo.

oh right heres the pic. thanks for listening. reading. paying some attention. money.

where's waldo?
where’s waldo? but really tayshaun prince made the team?
just conspiracy it.
just conspiracy it.

UPDATE:::Oh d-wade is uh converse. but he is a tool. so he does not count ever.

Hockey

My Second Round Pics for the NHL Stan Cup Playoffs.

Ed. Note: Since the (L)eastern Conference in the NBA is worthless, it shall not be included. [Except for the Celtics aka Canadiens]

Eastern Conference

Canadiens vs. Flyers

Let us see… the Habs (fancy name for Canadiens) are beasts. They are the No. 1 Seed. Uh..
were gonna give this one to the

Habs. In 5

(although travers would not agree)

onto the main event

Western Conference

This is where it is at.

eh i dont care about hockey..

Update::::::: Habs up 1-0 on the “Flyers”