NFL Preview: NFC South

New Orleans Saints

Lil’ Wayne’s favorite team. If I’m ever going to be his best friend, I’d hype up this team. How ironic. Because I seriously consider them a victim of the hypemachine year in and year out.

Nickname: Marques “Coldstone Creamery” Colston.

Projected Record: 15-1.

Reggie Bush.
Reggie Bush. Just a typical day.

Carolina Panthers

Something clever about Carolina.

Nickname: John “Foxy” Fox.

Projected Record: 8-8

John Fox
John Fox. Moments after reading my nickname for him. Obvious? Yes. Clever? Not really.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers

They are going to be awful. No two ways around it.

Nickname: Josh “The Bucs are starting Byron Leftwich over me” Freeman.

Projected Record: 2-14.

Byron Leftwich plays better on a broken leg.
Byron Leftwich plays better on a broken leg.

Atlanta Falcons

Matt Ryan. Roddy White. Michael Turner. If the NFL was just offense, the Falcons would be like top 5 easy. But if the NFL was just offense, the whole “no defense” thing would ruin football.

Nickname: Matt “Nolan” Ryan.

Projected Record: 13-3.

I searched 'Roddy White' on Google Images and got this picture. From my own blog. From an earlier post. Beastmode.
I searched 'Roddy White' on Google Images and got this picture. From my own blog. From an earlier post. Beastmode.
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The Denver Nuggets.

So much to say.

So little time.

I am waffling whether I should divide this up.

You know what?

I’m going tour de force, full force.

Let’s start with game 3.

So i’m watching the game right?

Mavericks look decent.

They cop a comeback right quick to go up 4 with like half a minute left.

So i’m okay at this point.

Then its 2 points with 10ish to go.

Gettin nervous.

But wait!

The Mavs have a foul to give.

God Bless America.

Antoine Wright makes the smart play but NO CALL?

What is this?

NO FOUL, MELO’S WET FROM THREE-VILLE AND THE MAVS lose? WHAT?

No no no.

This is unacceptable.

At this point, I can’t see straight.

After the fact, at this point, I see 5, count em 5, possiblities.

  1. The Refs swallowed their whistles in the last minute. Its the PLAYOFFS after all.
  2. The Refs were intimidated by KMart and Dahntay Jones. Who wouldn’t be?
  3. David Stern hates Mark Cuban.
  4. Mark Wunderlich, the Ref closest to the action, has in fact made a similar call. Western Conference Finals. Last year. Game 4. Derek Fisher mauled Brent Barry.
  5. What I call the Tim Donaghy Special. What was the over/under for the game? 209.5/210. What was the score before the 3? 208. What was the score after? 211. Coincidence? I THINK NOT.
“I hate fun. And competition. But mostly fun.” -Mark Wunderlich.
“I hate fun. And competition. But mostly fun.” -Mark Wunderlich.

Let’s winnow these options down.

Oh I can’t! They’re all flawless, logically speaking.

Who’s surprised?

Put your hand down.

This isn’t a classroom.

Okay. So I guess I’ll just have to live with it.

The NBA wouldn’t salt the wound/make themselves look stupid by saying something, would they?

“At the end of the Dallas-Denver game this evening, the officials missed an intentional foul committed by Antoine Wright on Carmelo Anthony, just prior to Anthony’s three-point basket.”

Who said that?

Joel Litvin.

Who’s Joel Litvin?

Joel Litvin
Joel Litvin

NBA President of League and Basketball Operations.

Is that important?

In this case, OF COURSE.

I see what you did there. You used irony for a joke.

Now, I’m addressing myself in 3rd person.

Or is it 1st person?

I’m confused.

Then we have what I call “Cube-Mart-Gate”

Yes, I went with the “-Gate”

So sue me.

Anyway.

Cube-Mart-Gate is the situation involving Mark Cuban, Kenyon Martin, and Kenyon Martin’s mom.

KMart’s mom, I call her Mrs. Thug, apparently was being kinda harsh-y post-game 2.

Cube-daddy, or Mark Cuban, then responded.

The sitchuation went down like this.

After Game 3, in Dallas.

Some fan, presumably a Dallas fan, yelled “The Nuggets are thugs!!!!”

Cube-Daddy, as he walked towards the exit, happened to be next to Mrs. Thug at the time.

He leaned over, in a creepily awesome way and said “That includes your son”

Tempers flared, but not like that.

There was no violence.

More like a war of words til Cube-Daddy said he was sorry.

Children.

Thuggetz? Thuggets.
Thuggetz? Thuggets.

This is great.

We need more wars of words like this.

Wars of words?

War of words?

Wars of word?

Word wars of?

My favorite type of War of Words: Hxcore METAL words war.
My favorite type of War of Words: Hxcore METAL words war.

Oh, lo and behold.

George Karl busy obliging!

While describing the crowd:

“I would probably use an uglier word than hostile, but I’m not going to do that right now. I don’t think it was very classy. I’ve been in hostile buildings, but you can do it in a classy way.”

You know what I hear?

“WAHHHHHH. WAHHHHHHH.”

“I’m the coach of the dirtest team since Bruce Bowen wasn’t a million years old!”

“My own medicine doesn’t taste good!”

You know what George Karl?

SHUT UP.

YOU KNOW YOU GOT AWAY WITH ONE IN GAME 3.

SO SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP.

Go back to coaching KMart and Dahntay Jones and Carmelo, who are cheap-shot artists nearing Bruce Bowen levels.

“It’s hard playing for Duke then playing for the Grizzlies, then the Kings, then in the Developmental League, then for the Nuggets” -Dahntay Jones.
“It’s hard playing for Duke then playing for the Grizzlies, then the Kings, then in the Developmental League, then for the Nuggets” -Dahntay Jones.

Sure, what you have works.

And what you have will get you to the next round.

And what you have could even get you Finals-bound.

But dude.

Draw the line.

Let it go.

No reason to attack the crowd or whatever you were doing.

Also, I hope you can sleep at night, knowing that you have bred a team of flagrant vagrants and garbage flarbages.

Nothing rhymes with garbage.

Check that.

Nothing, IN THAT CONTEXT, rhymes with garbage.

According to the original caption, "Psykan rhymes with garbage can." Think about it.
According to the original caption, "Psykan rhymes with garbage can." Think about it.

Lookin’ Boy 14

Billy Ocean, the All-Time, Best Selling Black, British R&B Artist.
Billy Ocean, the All-Time, Best Selling Black, British R&B Artist wearing an awesome sweater. (L) Random 80s Hipster. (R)
Michael Finley
Michael Finley

There’s actually a couple of comments I have about this one.

First off, I own a Billy Ocean CD.

Second off, I never knew Finn-Dogg was a Sun.

Third off, I picked that picture of Finn-Dogg for the novelty of the Sun jerz on him.

Lastly, an even BETTER picture of Finn-Dogg.

Finn-Dogg feat. Cornrows. That is the most underrated hairdo ever!!!!
Finn-Dogg feat. Cornrows. That is the most underrated hairdo ever!!!!

Yes, its small.

Anyway.

If the similarities in their apperance hold up, THIS will be what Finn-Dogg looks like in 5 years.

Billy Ocean, circa NOW.
Billy Ocean, circa NOW.

the phoenix suns

so yeah.

its that time again.

fake interview time.

yeah.

so.

anyway.

who am i going to interview?

shaq?

no.

stevie nash?

no. although i would deff call him stevie nicks-nash. LOL.

This is Stevie Nicks. She was in Fleetwood Mac. I think.
This is Stevie Nicks. She was in Fleetwood Mac. I think.

anyway.

the suns mascot?

no, even that’s too obvious.

i’m interviewing the suns.

the team.

not the players on the team.

the team.

lets do this thang.

FS!: Zup PHX?!

PS: Nothing. Just doin this interview.

FS!: Yeah no kidding?

PS: No kidding.

FS!: So how are things?

PS: Pretty cool. I mean I’m not that great this year. But hopefully I’ll get to go to the playoffs.

FS!: I hope you don’t.

PS: That’s really straightforward of you.You should be more polite. I’m a busy…. thing.

FS!: Okay. Anyway. What’s Shaq like? Is he big? Is he Aristotle?

PS: How can someone be Aristotle?

FS!: If you knew, you would understand.

PS: Well I don’t.

The Big Aristotle
The Big Aristotle

FS!: Fine. But you know what’s fun?

PS: What?

FS!: Giving more than like a 5 word answer. This is an interview after all.

PS: I blame your questions.

FS!: That’s the problem with you. You are always blaming others. Maybe you should take some blame.

PS: I haven’t done anything wrong.

FS!: Except not win. Got em.

PS: Hey. I’m gearing up for a playoff run.

FS!: You can gear up all you want. You have to get in first.

PS: I’m resting my starters. Don’t want them tired for the 1st round.

FS!: That defies all logic, ever.

PS: See? This is why you aren’t an NBA team like me.

FS!: That’s not why.

PS: How would you know?

FS!: This is the worst interview ever.

PS: Whoever is gonna transcribe this is gonna be awesome though.

FS!: http://www.fantastiksports.wordpress.com

PS: http://www.fantastiksports.wordpress.com

FS!: Phoenix ph-sucks.

PS: Fantastik wordplay. NOTTTTTT.

FS!: Got em.

PS: This has gotten tedious.

FS!: There you have it. An interview with a team.

PS: What did we learn?

nothing.

Why do people make collages?
Why do people make collages?

sorry jay cutler

you’re now a bear.

prepare to lose and continue losing even after you’ve left.

lets look at some examples.

1985: undefeated season.

2007: rex grossman.

i don’t know any more bears.

also these two facts apply to none of what im saying.

anyway.

Why did they have to put the Bear logo behind the snarlin' bear?
Why did they have to put the Bear logo behind the snarlin' bear?

sure that’s a compelling question.

but a better question is how did that bear get so cut and buff?

cut and buff… too many adjectives.

yes 2 is too many.

anyway.

who would do something like this to a bear?

why is his jersey ripped all over?

what is that pole lookin thang?

i feel like the 3 bears logos is not enough.

the helmet? the c? the bear in the bground?

not superfluous at all.

thats a coolio word.

anyway.

this poster raises more questions than it could ever answer.

Utah sues the BCS

Big news out of the mormon state.

is that its official name?

it should be.

get on that please.

anyway.

the University of Utah is planning on suing the BCS for antitrust.

On the ESPN website, the caption for the front-page photo is "Worth Pur-Suing"
On the ESPN website, the caption for the front-page photo is “Worth Pur-Suing”

good lord.

i hope someone was fired for that.

horrific wordplay.

and yes that is quite hypocritical.

sure this suit may not happen until june but this is pretty cool actually.

the BCS is widely panned even by the president.

doesn’t he have better things to do?

guess not.

anyway.

as of this moment john calpari is the new kentucky coach.

but back to the point.

i personanally support the Utes in their delicious quest.

so knowing that, the BCS should settle out of court, or retire from computing.

do computers retire?

who cares?

i do.

they don’t.

anyway.

the BCS is worthless.

its so obvious who should be in every year.

sure in the whole OU sitch

pause.

sitch is situation but in a more fly way.

play.

in the whole OU sitch i sided with the sooners and still do.

but really.

get rid of it now.

solve the problem.

no one watches the mineke car care bowl or the tostitos fiesta bowl.

make those apart of an 8 team tournament.

sure #9 will feel left out.

but so does number #66 in the tourney.

and #whatever it is in the NBA playoffs.

oh lets be serious who cares about the NBA.