Goodbye Yao Ming

I would request that you play this song while you read my words. Thank you in advanced.

Yao Ming

I hardly knew thee

You hardly know me

You came across the pond

I immediately grew fond

The Great Pacific Pond

Winning not enough like Greg LeMond

Greg LeMond

All 7’6″ of you

You could probably pound 76 brews

310 pounds of pure muscle and speed

So please don’t leave, don’t make me plead

You have a 23% chance of making the Hall Of Fame

Like a lion, my heart you tame

Unfortunately you played for a sucky team like the Rockets

Tracy McGrady and you, injured and lining your pockets

You could never win a championship

What rhymes with championship?

Your game was the opposite of poetry

So big and not particularly good, dontcha see

Enough with the poetry

Yao, you were a victim of the Chinese Hype Machine.

And frankly I don’t know whether to blame you or not.

But I never liked you.

Pau Gasol is like Yao 6.0

Sorry I don’t like you.

H8 the Rockets

Wish I had more to say about anything today..

Do you think Yao deserves the Hall Of Fame?
Should he demand a trade to a contender?
Do you think the problem is the lack of good doctors in the greater Houston area?
Should he demand a trade to Orlando for the quality of medical care there?
Is Yao the ‘Great Chinese Hope’?
Is Jeremy Lin the ‘new Yao Ming’?
Would you rather build a franchise around Jeremy Lin or Yao Ming?
Are all Asian NBA players the same person (via racism)?

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Fake Interview With Lance Armstrong: Revisited

lance armstrong.

he asked ME for an interview.

he wants to get his story out to the 5 people that will read this.

yes, i am talking to YOU.

anyway here it is.

Part 2.

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LA: Hey man. How you been since the last interview?

FS!: NM JC. I’ve been doing the whole blog thing. And whatnot. What about you?

LA: Oh not too much. I just lost the Tour de France.

FS!: Isn’t finishing that considered to be a big accomplishment? Like a marathon? Except on a bike? And way more mountains than a marathon?

LA: You know for most that’s probably true. But I like to think of myself in a different class than the n00bs that usually participate in that. I won like 7 times in a row. I think.

FS!: You aren’t even sure of your own success? Did you know memory loss is a sign of blood doping?

LA: Yes, how could I forget that?

FS!: Well played, Lance. But let’s get right down to this mug. Did you blood dope?

LA: When? Could you be specific?

FS!: Anytime before or during the TdF.

LA: Hellz yez. I wanted to win. Everyone was doing it.

FS!: Now, everyone here knows I love using cliches.

LA: It’s just me here.

FS!: Precisely. But using your reasoning, that everyone was doing it, would it be appropriate to jump off a bridge just because the cool kids did it?

LA: Well, if you wanted to be cool….

FS!: I feel the same way! How does no one get that you have to do as the cool kids to be cool?

LA: I don’t know. Parents have ruined society with this whole concept of individuality. The cool kids are cool for a reason.

FS!: I have never felt closer with you ever before.

LA: Any more questions?

FS!: Just one. What are you doing later tonight?

LA: Probz chillin witt thaa GF.

FS!: Oh really? Who are you dating right now?

LA: I’m trying to keep our relationship on the down low.

FS!: Okay. I respect your privacy.

LA: It’s Lindsay Lohan.

FS!: Oh excellent. Because now I can tag her in this post and possibly gain more hits.

LA: Wow. What a win-win for your blog!

FS!: So let me revisit some of the questions from our last interview. For example: how is the ol’ c-bone?

LA: My collarbone? That’s been healed for about a year now. So fine.

FS!: Does blood doping help that heal?

LA: You know what. I don’t know. It could but that’s not why I doped my blood so hard. I did it so I could win. Obvii.

FS!: Could you have doped your blood softly and still won?

LA: I mean maybe. But Lance Armstrong is all about going hard and being hard.

FS!: You heard it here first. Lance Armstrong is all about going hard and being hard. So Lance. Do you think doing this interview makes you hard?

LA: Oh it definitely makes me hard. I mean people on the streetz r finna b tlkin bout cha boi Armstreezy and how he is so hard.

FS!: Why did you talk like that?

LA: Idk my bff jill. I lik 2 switch btwn tlkng lik a 6th grade gurl nd tlkng lik I grew up n tha hood.

FS!: Do you just want me to guess how to spell what you just verbalized?

LA: Ya. That should be fine. I mean, as long as the readers get how hard I am at all times then we’re good.

FS!: Ever hang out with McConaughey anymore?

LA: Nah not really. I find he’s too stupid for me.

FS!: Don’t blame you at all.

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Matt + Lance 4neva!