Kevin Love has some GQ Blog thing. No one really knows why. He lacks the swag required in my mind. Only Michael Beasley deserves one. At least from the Timberwolves that is.
Either way. Kevin Love decided to give people on his team fake-gifts in a funny, cutesy, approachable blog post.
And not funny.
Mike Beasley: A SpongeBob SquarePants: The Collectors Edition DVD Box Set.
Whenever we’re in the training room, he’s got SpongeBob on the TV and he’s sitting there laughing his ass off. It helps him relax, I guess. That’s just Beasley. Sometimes somebody will walk in and see him, shake their head and just keep on moving.
Corey Brewer: An unlimited, all-you-can-eat, lifetime pass to the Old Country Buffet.
We need to put some weight on that guy. Because he is 6-foot-9, 185 pounds. Which is insane.
Bassy Telfair: A new set of very expensive earrings.
Oh man. He has very nice jewelry, and early on in the season we were messing around on the bus—he was hitting me in the face, giving me wet willies, so I smacked him, and his earring fell out. And we could never find it. I felt terrible. Let’s just say it was a pretty nice earring. Luckily insurance pays for stuff like that. But still, let’s get him a new one for Christmas.
Kosta Koufos: A lifetime supply of CertainDri anti-perspirant.
He sweats constantly, like no one I’ve ever seen. He reminds me of that scene in Along Came Polly, when Ben Stiller’s face gets mashed into that guys sweaty chest. Kosta is that guy.
Kevin Love: One free grooming seminar from GQ’s style experts.
In case you didn’t know, there is a lot of irony in me doing a blog for GQ. I can’t grow my beard in all the way. I’m not at all well-groomed. I could use the help.
I’ll tell you what they really need.
Michael Beasley: A Better Attitude.
Corey Brewer: A Modeling Agent. Being that skinny helps in that profession I think. Especially for guys right?
Bassy Telfair: Okay. Wow. Kevin Love calls him Bassy. What a poser. I mean sure it’s his nickname and all. But Bassy needs A Better Nickname.
Kosta Koufos: A lifetime supply of CertainDri anti-perspirant. He sweats constantly, like no one I’ve ever seen. He reminds me of that scene in Along Came Polly, when Ben Stiller’s face gets mashed into that guys sweaty chest. Kosta is that guy.
Kevin Love: A Blogging Lesson courtesy of Me. Lucky him.
Are all those things not really things. But they all fit. Also it is Christmas Eve.
I gotta go deliver presents.
PS: Why is Kevin Love giving Sebastian Telfair wet willies? TMZ, get on this!!!!!!!!!!
I guess. If it was a Christmas song that required a pun about C-notes, son.
The real name of this post is ‘The Reason For The Season.’
Ron Artest did some funny stuff.
He’s a walking meme. Whatever.
Should I waste virtual ink on him (via Kindle)? Absolutely.
He was talking about getting ejected or ejections or something. The context is never important with Artest.
“It happened in the past, it happened in the present, it happened in the future,” Artest said. “Not just for him. All players (get ejected). That happens a lot of times. You see guys get ejected. Rip Hamilton got ejected (recently) in Detroit. Bob Cousy got ejected … The only person who never got ejected was Jesus.”
Artest was asked if he had checked Jesus’ box scores.
“No ejections,” Artest said. “He was 10 for 10s, a lot of 20 for 20s (in shooting). Perfect from the free-throw line. Infinity rebounding stats.”
Hey Ron, what’s your favorite holiday?
“I don’t celebrate many holidays. I have alot of Jewish friends though. So from time to time I’ll celebrate Hanukkah.”
That last quote was fake. Could you even tell though?
Dwight Howard (Magic) 611,561
Shaquille O’Neal (Celtics) 241,782
Joakim Noah (Bulls) 97,163
Andrea Bargnani (Raptors) 53,275
Al Horford (Hawks) 49,098
Andrew Bogut (Bucks) 48,298
Brook Lopez (Nets) 38,103
JaVale McGee (Wizards) 36,227
Roy Hibbert (Pacers) 35,006
Ben Wallace (Pistons) 21,858
Yao Ming (Rockets) 430,984
Andrew Bynum (Lakers) 198,044
Brendan Haywood (Mavericks) 127,375
Marc Gasol (Grizzlies) 120,811
Emeka Okafor (Hornets) 115,647
Nene (Nuggets) 105,747
Chris Kaman (Clippers) 87,536
Marcus Camby (Blazers) 57,046
DeMarcus Cousins (Kings) 37,571
Andris Biedrins (Warriors) 36,655
This is egregious.
I am going to ignore the fact that the arguable MVP up until this point is 7th in Western Conference voting for guards.
BUT. Jason Kidd is ahead of him?! HOW!?
No. No. I said I was going to ignore it.
The Center voting in each conference is far more offensive. And not in an ‘offense’ like have-the-ball-and-score way. In a hurtful way.
Clearly the John Q. Public is stupid. That we all know. But they really shouldn’t be. John Q. Public, you should understand. You should vote for who you want to see! You really want to see:
Shaquille O’Neal as the first center off the bench? I don’t.
Bargnani anywhere near the top 10? I do. But anyone who knows the NBA doesn’t.
JaVale McGee having more than 30,000 votes? I do. Dude’s versatile.
Roy Hibbert, who is having a top-5-center-type-a year, not in the top-5-a-type-a-year? I don’t really care about that so much.
Literally everyone in the Top 10 for the West is ridiculous. And here’s why.
Yao Ming is mad injured and by my calculations has not played this year. (Even if he has, my calculations don’t lie. Pick a side to believe, reader.)
Andrew Bynum has played I guess. But not enough. Perpetual injury. He’s like a poor man’s Greg Oden because his injures are cheaper and less-hurt-y than Oden’s. Like he’s thrifty for the injury.
Brendan Haywood is not the best center on his own team. The Eiffel Towers are. Ian Mahmini and Alex Ajinca that is. But uh seriously Tyson Chandler is actually having an All-Star Caliber Year. So give the man some respeto. Is that respect in Spanish? ‘Me no hablo’ – Kanye West.
Marc Gasol is not the best Gasol on two teams. Assuming those two teams are the Lakers and the Grizzlies. If those two teams aren’t those specific two then well uh never mind. Also: Pau Gasol plays Forward. So that’s even more confusing.
Emeka Okafor. I have no idea of the quality of his play. I’m afraid the Hornets have been mad over-performing though. So by the transitive property so is Okafor. Also he went to UConn. I don’t like UConn.
Nene. Who cares? Why would you want to see him in the All-Star Game?
Kaman and Camby are polar opposites. In that Kaman only plays offense and Camby, only defense. So they cancel each other out.
Cousins is the token-rookie on the list. He’s not even that good.
Biedrins is available in my fantasy league. Should I swag that?
I didn’t look up how to spell those two Mavericks centers names. Ian and Alex. That’s how you spell their first names. I don’t know about the last names.