FS!: Hey Cliff.
FS!: I expected more of a ‘Howdy’-type of greeting.
CL: I’m full of surprises.
FS!: That’s the understatement of the year. Speaking of surprises, why the Phillies?
CL: I just love that Philadelphia weather.
FS!: But its not good.
CL: Right. I like bad weather.
FS!: Is it the uniforms?
CL: No way. I hate pinstripes. Also the Phillies are like a cheaper-looking Yankees. And I hate the Yankees uniforms.
CL: This is an interview you don’t have to state the fact that you’re going to ask a question.
FS!: Question. Why did you choose the Phillies?
CL: I didn’t choose the Phillies. They chose me.
FS!: That doesn’t mean anything. Especially in this context. Well, especially in any context ever.
CL: Well, they did. They offered me money. They chose to make me an offer.
FS!: Yes. They chose in the same manner that a dog chooses its owner.
CL: Exactly. Dadgummit yur talkin all sortsa sense right now mister.
FS!: Why did you have to say it like that?
CL: To distract you from the fact that I just claimed a dog chooses its owner.
FS!: Well done. Checkmate.
CL: Every interview is like a new batter for me. I just try to pound the corners and strike em out.
FS!: What the hell does that even mean?
CL: It’s an analogy.
FS!: It’s an analogy that only goes one way. Analogies have to go both ways.
CL: Woah. I’m from Arkansas. We don’t approve of things going both ways.
FS!: Really. I’m going to sink so low as to use a cliche Arkansas/Deep South joke? I guess that’s the way things go then.
CL: Who are you talking to?
FS!: Fake Cliff Lee. So Cliff. What did the Phillies offer that the Rangers and Yankees couldn’t?
CL: The chance to bat.
FS!: You just want to bat?
CL: Yep. That’s pretty much it. Money matters not to those who wait.
FS!: That’s like a combination of two expressions that don’t exist.
FS!: I feel like both the Yankees and the Rangers would let you bat. You’re good enough.
CL: Oh absolutely. But I don’t want to be allowed. I want to be required. Don’t ask permission, just ask forgiveness.
FS!: Never understood that phrase. What’s wrong with permission? Are you afraid of rejection?
FS!: Dang. I keep forgetting I’m talking to you and not typing words into a box and pushing ‘post.’ Gotta keep these thoughts to myself.
CL: I should have joined the Rangers.
FS!: Thank you for saying that.
CL: I feel bad for making your prediction wrong.
FS!: Indeed you ruined my perfect prediction streak.
CL: I am the worst person ever.
FS!: That may be a bit harsh but you certainly are a whore.
CL: I prefer to think of myself as a mercenary.
FS!: Nope, I’m going to go with very expensive whore.
CL: This is a family blog.
FS!: With a whore being interviewed on it? Not anymore.
Sorry about the f-word. I can’t control what Cliff Lee says.
Hopefully potential employers can look past this one instance of profanity and still hire me.