A Fake Interview With Cliff Lee

Phillies.

********************

FS!: Hey Cliff.

CL: Sup.

FS!: I expected more of a ‘Howdy’-type of greeting.

CL: I’m full of surprises.

FS!: That’s the understatement of the year. Speaking of surprises, why the Phillies?

CL: I just love that Philadelphia weather.

FS!: But its not good.

CL: Right. I like bad weather.

FS!: Is it the uniforms?

CL: No way. I hate pinstripes. Also the Phillies are like a cheaper-looking Yankees. And I hate the Yankees uniforms.

FS!: Question.

CL: This is an interview you don’t have to state the fact that you’re going to ask a question.

FS!: Question.

CL: Okay.

FS!: Question. Why did you choose the Phillies?

CL: I didn’t choose the Phillies. They chose me.

FS!: That doesn’t mean anything. Especially in this context. Well, especially in any context ever.

CL: Well, they did. They offered me money. They chose to make me an offer.

FS!: Yes. They chose in the same manner that a dog chooses its owner.

CL: Exactly. Dadgummit yur talkin all sortsa sense right now mister.

FS!: Why did you have to say it like that?

CL: To distract you from the fact that I just claimed a dog chooses its owner.

FS!: Well done. Checkmate.

CL: Every interview is like a new batter for me. I just try to pound the corners and strike em out.

FS!: What the hell does that even mean?

CL: It’s an analogy.

FS!: It’s an analogy that only goes one way. Analogies have to go both ways.

CL: Woah. I’m from Arkansas. We don’t approve of things going both ways.

FS!: Really. I’m going to sink so low as to use a cliche Arkansas/Deep South joke? I guess that’s the way things go then.

CL: Who are you talking to?

FS!: Fake Cliff Lee. So Cliff. What did the Phillies offer that the Rangers and Yankees couldn’t?

CL: The chance to bat.

FS!: You just want to bat?

CL: Yep. That’s pretty much it. Money matters not to those who wait.

FS!: That’s like a combination of two expressions that don’t exist.

CL: Obviously.

FS!: I feel like both the Yankees and the Rangers would let you bat. You’re good enough.

CL: Oh absolutely. But I don’t want to be allowed. I want to be required. Don’t ask permission, just ask forgiveness.

FS!: Never understood that phrase. What’s wrong with permission? Are you afraid of rejection?

CL: No.

FS!: Dang. I keep forgetting I’m talking to you and not typing words into a box and pushing ‘post.’ Gotta keep these thoughts to myself.

CL: I should have joined the Rangers.

FS!: Thank you for saying that.

CL: I feel bad for making your prediction wrong.

FS!: Indeed you ruined my perfect prediction streak.

CL: I am the worst person ever.

FS!: That may be a bit harsh but you certainly are a whore.

CL: I prefer to think of myself as a mercenary.

FS!: Nope, I’m going to go with very expensive whore.

CL: This is a family blog.

FS!: With a whore being interviewed on it? Not anymore.

CL: Fuck.

********************

And scene.

Sorry about the f-word. I can’t control what Cliff Lee says.

Hopefully potential employers can look past this one instance of profanity and still hire me.

"My heart hurts.' -Fantastik Sports
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Some Thoughts on Some Things

Yes, I used a long title to disguise a short, lazy post yesterday. But whatever. You’re smarter than that so it won’t happen again.

'Hey kid. I like the cut of your jib.' -Peyton Manning
  • INDIANAPOLIS COLTS

Everyone is freaking out about Peyton Manning. And rightly so. He is throwing more pick than usual. I wish I could say it was his WRs and it just might be.

He has Reggie Wayne. Who is very good. (Last game: 14 catches on 20 targets for 200 yards and 1 TD). But I just don’t think Pierre Garcon is a good enough #2. Also I believe garcon means waiter in French. And when’s the last time you can remember a French guy being good at football?

Jethro Franklin

However the run game does not exist for the Colts. Why am I not suprised. The Colts logo is a horseshoe. That means 2 things.

  1. They should run like horses.
  2. They are superstitious.

I don’t like the sound of either of those things. Everyone knows the Colts running backs have notoriously had trouble dealing with the pressure of expectations. And don’t even get me started about the RBs and superstitions.

“I don’t deal with the dark arts. And you can quote me on that.” -Joseph Addai.

Just saw a Peyton Manning Sony commercial. That’s probably the real problem. THEY ARE NOT FUNNY. Not like this blog which is a laugh every 1.1 minutes.

'Catch 'n' Release, y'all' -Tom Izzo
  • MICHIGAN STATE

What is wrong with the Spartans? They lost and they are not very good.

They are currently in second-to-last in the Big Ten. Not good.

Just not good.

'Check out this cellphone belt-holder I just got, y'all.' - Chris Paul
  • REACTIONS TO NBA AWARDS WATCH

Does Dwight Howard deserve MVP? Does Dirk deserve it? No. And no. I have come out in support of Russell Westbrook for MVP mostly because no one else truly deserves it.

I also hate the Magic. And Dirk has like mad people helping him. Tyson Chandler is throwing up mad defense.

Chris Paul? Love him. But not for MVP. The Hornets have dropped like 8 out their last 9 or something like that. (Fact Check: I still didn’t look). The Hornets are not good. They are the Wizards of last year. And I have the facts to back that up.

Cliff_Lee_on_Subway.jpg
  • MLB HOT STOVE

Prediction time.

Cliff Lee to the Rangers for 6 years, 140 million.

Paul Konerko to the White Sox for 3 years, 37.5 million.

Carlos Pena to the Cubs 1 year, 10 million.

Derek Jeter to the Yankees 3 years, 51 million.

Jayson Werth to the Nationals for 7 years, 126 million.

UPDATE: I got 5 out of 6 right! I could go a perfect 6 for 6 pending Cliff Lee.

I know you read this blog, Cliff. Don’t mess with me here. Even if the Rangers offered you less and you were planning on accepting, negotiate them up. I know you have that move in your arsenal. I would be willing to appear on your behalf if the negotiations get a bit hairy. I can deal with hair.

Lastly. The Nuggets lost to the Bobcats. That is funny.

Jayson (is) Werth Alot

No. It is not. I am not even going to mince words. He is absolutely not worth 7 years, 126 million dollars. Absolutely not.

Also I am an expert at puns. Or plays on words. Or is it play on words. Word’s? Oh wait. I forgot I made that joke long ago. Prize to whoever remembers/finds which post that joke happened in previously.

Your prize is nothing.

Um back to Jayson Werth. I have 3 problems with this situation. Wait let’s make it an even 4.

  1. The way Jayson is spelled.
  2. The length of the contract for an over-30 player with minimal credentials.
  3. The way in which people are currently freaking out.
  4. The manner in which Jayson Werth chooses to wear his facial hair.
'Not the camera, Jayson!' -Cameraman

1. Jayson is not cute. It is not clever. It is not his dad’s name. It sounds okay with his last name. But you know what would sound the same? Jason.

Now I’m not usually one to conserve traditions in any capacity but with the spelling of names, people are really starting to bother me.

While names like Morpheus and Brooklyn may be awesome, they are also ridiculous and better served as being not names.

TAKE OUT THE Y. It may make you unique. I absolutely does in fact. But unique is not some sort of automatically awesome thing. Do not assume that. Just like awesome. Something that inspires awe could be a tsunami. A tsunami is awesome. Dudes, a tsunami is not awesome. Not like that. There’s an example of awesome being bad.

Same thing with unique.

2. Dude is over 30. That’s pretty old for an athlete that throws his body around the outfield and relies on speed. Werth is a decent hitter. I mean I don’t actually know I just think I can get away with calling any professional athlete decent except like Adrian Peterson. He’s pretty good.

Apparently he won this: “Unsung Star of the Year.” Kinda wish I knew what ‘unsung’ meant. Feels like a buzzword used only in sports. Like ‘synergy’ except that’s a more heavily used buzzword and is never used in the context of sports.

Have I been wow-ed by Jayson Werth ever? No. Because I don’t watch Phillies games. I have a life. Slash I like the Rangers. And hate the Phillies. But mostly the life thing. Baseball is chill though.

‘Yo did that last paragraph have a point?’

Absolutely not.

But if players are investments for teams, this was a bad one. Calling it in the air. As is everyone else ever. A bandwagon is for things that are good and smart right? Because everyone is hitching their wagon to the ‘bad’ train and I really like being right. Maybe Werth will be like Brett Favre. Except less pictures of his penis. Or more. I’d be down for either.

That paragraph took a weird turn. Weird mood today y’all.

'I like money. That's why I read fantastiksports.wordpress.com' -Scott Boras, agent to Jayson Werth, others

3. People are freaking out. About nothing. Baseball teams make alot of money. Hence people involved with baseball teams make alot of money.

Sure the organ players don’t make alot. Wait, is that how ‘organ’ is spelled? I feel like its different. Just checked: I was right. Big surprise.

Back to the point. Players make the team the most money hence they are compensated the most. By no means am I in favor of excess. And athletes salaries are absolutely excessive. But I’m surprised people don’t say this more.

Does it make no sense? Is there some hole in the logic I am missing? Because I am blogging drunk at 2 in the afternoon right now.

Just kidding. Or am I?

No I really am kidding.

Wait maybe saying that is just incredibly unpopular. I would love for someone to leave a mean comment.

Or any comment. Or not.

'Squawk' -Chris Andersen

4. His facial hair sucks. Athletes are going to be known if they are good. Or at least they should be. They absolutely will be by the fans of their team and agents and people within the business.

It’s when they go all ‘publicity-y’ seeking the public’s eye. Which is so annoying.

The Birdman (aka Chris Anderson) is a perfect example. Dude is a great rebounder and defender. But people know him because of his obnoxious and ridiculous tattoos. So annoying.

And by calling him annoying, the Birdman has won.

See, Andersen is seeking annoyance. And he does it very, very well. And it has a larger affect on the game in basketball.

Werth is just doing it to either be noticed by casual fans or because he wants to look unkempt.

Both of those reasons are terrible and bad.

It’s not like Zach Greinke steps on the rubber and sees that godforsaken facial hair and thinks to himself, ‘MAN I really wanna strike that guy out.’

No. Absolutely not. Greinke wants to strike every damn batter out in the league regardless of beard status.

So go ahead and be annoying and ugly looking Jayson Werth. It literally makes no difference.

Damn. He got me. I just realized I wasted words on why we shouldn’t waste words on his beard.

You got me this time, Werth. I’ll just scorch you in a fake interview later in the week.

UPDATE: I don’t know if I’m down to write anymore about Jayson Werth. We’ll see.

 

OMG!

Pittsburgh won a game in walk-off fashion yesterday.

Who care?

Answer: the radio play-by-play guys.

OH MY GOD. Check.

Wahoo, wahoo! Check.

Whistling. Check

Giggling. Check.

Rockin’ n’ rollin’ at PNC Park. Check.

Lord help us and save us, cried Mrs. McDavis. Check.

Such bizarre reactions.

Yet I challenge you to not listen to it like 3 times.

I know I did.

On another note: don’t they tell you to NOT whistle into the mic on like Day 2 of journalism school.

On another note: Day 1 is probably learning everyone’s names and getting school supplies and stuff, right?

Cut me some slack. I am tired. Here’s a picture of some random Pirate Lastings Milledge.

Lastings Milledge in a Sweater

UPDATE I: Lastings Milledge is now a Washington National.

UPDATE II: I already knew that. I just wanted to write it in UPDATE form.

UPDATE III: Hey Lastings, I heard your girlfriend say you weren’t LASTINGS very long.

UPDATE IV: Sorry for UPDATE III y’all

LA Times, Get At Me

The LA Times Magazine apparently exists. Whether it has an audience outside of LA or even their own offices remains to be seen.

UPDATE I: It has a circulation of 250,000. Whatever that means.

UPDATE II: I made that up.

Either way they take magnificent pictures of LA-based athletes.

Kobe Bryant, LA Laker

That was a pretty popular picture. At least on the blogosphere.

Although y’all probably don’t read any other blogs. You just some how found mine. And only read mine. Right.

Either way Kobe looks really good in this picture. At least in my opinion.

I think the all white signifies his purity.

That wasn’t meant to be a sex joke. So don’t take it that way.

Was he planning on climbing on the pane-less glass window ladder thing? Or just wearing a bowtie with like a skullcap-hat combo and chillin?

This has been riffed on enough.

Andre Ethier, LA Dodger

WHAT IS GOING ON.

I dig velvet. Who doesn’t.

I also dig bowties. Kobe had one, Andre has one. LA Times Mag digs them too.

But why does he look like Willy Wonka. I am SURE that joke has been made but seriously. It bares repeating. Bears. Or bares. I really don’t know.

Why does he have a cane? Is he trying to tell us something? Is he injured? Is he playing hurt? Can he even walk anymore? Dodgers fans. I need you. Hit me up. Is Ethier okay?

Andre Ethier, LA Dodger

Mad Men is super popular. I don’t mind this shot.

But it doesn’t confirm that he isn’t hurt. Look at his right foot (your left) because he’s not putting any weight on it.

ANDRE ETHIER IS INJURED. You heard it here first.

Andre Ethier, LA Dodger

Am I the only one who thought Andre Ethier was black?

Also: the bowtie count is up to 3.

Thick pinstripe count: TOO MANY.

He looks like an asshole.

He plays baseball. He doesn’t go to theme parties all the time.

UPDATE I: He actually does. He ‘loves a good mafia-themed bash.’ Direct quote.

UPDATE II: Direct made-up quote.

Andre Ethier, LA Dodger

This seems fake.

LA Times, Get At Me. I want a photoshoot. I’ll even play for the Padres if I have to.

UPDATE: LA is not San Diego. Sorry Padres.

Sky Might Fall

Omg y’all.

Stephen Strasburg aka Kid K aka SS Prime aka Senator Strasburg aka The Usher aka The Strasburg Railroader aka The Golden Child aka Summer Freeze

The Strasburg turned blue!

is injured.

He’s on the DL. Keep it on the DL.

This news is basically the apocalypse for every blogger and person on the planet.

He is very impressive. He is not a victim of the hype machine.

People get injured. Let’s just hope he can avoid cross-sports references like Greg Oden. Who is currently all hype, all injury with Kevin Durant making the NBA look like its played in slow motion. Except for that silky jumper.

KD-rooling aside, Strasburg probably needed a break and a stint on the DL is not the end of the world. UNLESS IT IS AND ALL HOPE WILL BE LOST.

Here are some things you can do while you wait 15 days for Stras-mas in July. Or August. It’ll be August in like 3 days.

Already?

1. Watch quality baseball every night.

The Texas Rangers are totally beast. The Padres are good. I think. But really Rangers-Angels starts in two days. That’s a big series for both teams. And you can watch Cliff Lee pitch.

2. Play with your kids.

If you have kids. If you don’t, just go hang out at the park. There are tons of kids there. Except by the parks at my house. Those are usually empty.

3. Read the archives of my blog.

There’s nothing better than me logging in each morning to find yet another comment on my Rajon Rondo post. Yes, I get it. He’s kinda good now. I also understand he’s ‘sexii’

4. NFL Training Camps.

Started this week. But those other 3 options are so much better. I wanna know just how ‘sexii’ Rondo is.

5. Contemplate life

Last resort. You don’t wanna uncover any huge truths about life. Unless you can do that in like 14 days. Because by then, Strasburg will be back. Nothing worse than almost discovering deep things about life only to have a good pitcher come off the DL and ruin it.

6. Grow terrible facial hair.

That’s a pretty good post.

Thx y’all

Kevin Youkilis

I’m saving a really good joke for the end. Just wait.

A Promotion For Some Charity and Kevin Youkilis

Woah.

Cool your jets, man.

I am NOT hating on charity. Please.

I’m like Joe Charity. Every weekend I’m either attending a benefit or running a 5k.

Not because the 5k is for a charity, its just how far I run.

Anyway.

I do not hate what he is doing this Mirror Mirror project for.

I just hate the fact that it describes one of the four looks above as “Youk’s Best Look Of All.”

That is so ridiculous.

He looks good in none.

The goatee only looks decent because that’s what we always see him in.

The mustache makes him look like a cop. And an ugly cop too.

Change cop to just person. He just looks like an ugly person.

Clean Shaven makes him look young. And he did not look good when he was young.

The Fu Man Chu is clearly a joke and this one will win. Because the Fu Man Chu is “funny”

“Funny” like Dane Cook is funny.

Wait, no that joke is overused.

“Funny” like Saturday Night Live is funny.

Yes. I do not think Saturday Night Live is funny. The only funny thing ever is Lazy Sunday. And even then.

I mean the charity part is good. Don’t get me wrong. But the actual contest is just unnecessary and dumb.

Kevin, you and I both know that your face is a temple. Let’s be honest.

You can be a beautiful man. You can.

But it’s things like this that make people not take you seriously.

Seriously.

Grow some hair on your hair. Not on your chin. Then that lady friend of yours might not look so distant from you. So take my word. I would know.

I know it’s a late post.

But I was like doing stuff.

Like watching Mighty Ducks.

Sorry.

SORRY FOR WATCHING GORDON BOMBAY AND CHARLIE CONWAY.

Redsox.