A Fake Interview With Cliff Lee



FS!: Hey Cliff.

CL: Sup.

FS!: I expected more of a ‘Howdy’-type of greeting.

CL: I’m full of surprises.

FS!: That’s the understatement of the year. Speaking of surprises, why the Phillies?

CL: I just love that Philadelphia weather.

FS!: But its not good.

CL: Right. I like bad weather.

FS!: Is it the uniforms?

CL: No way. I hate pinstripes. Also the Phillies are like a cheaper-looking Yankees. And I hate the Yankees uniforms.

FS!: Question.

CL: This is an interview you don’t have to state the fact that you’re going to ask a question.

FS!: Question.

CL: Okay.

FS!: Question. Why did you choose the Phillies?

CL: I didn’t choose the Phillies. They chose me.

FS!: That doesn’t mean anything. Especially in this context. Well, especially in any context ever.

CL: Well, they did. They offered me money. They chose to make me an offer.

FS!: Yes. They chose in the same manner that a dog chooses its owner.

CL: Exactly. Dadgummit yur talkin all sortsa sense right now mister.

FS!: Why did you have to say it like that?

CL: To distract you from the fact that I just claimed a dog chooses its owner.

FS!: Well done. Checkmate.

CL: Every interview is like a new batter for me. I just try to pound the corners and strike em out.

FS!: What the hell does that even mean?

CL: It’s an analogy.

FS!: It’s an analogy that only goes one way. Analogies have to go both ways.

CL: Woah. I’m from Arkansas. We don’t approve of things going both ways.

FS!: Really. I’m going to sink so low as to use a cliche Arkansas/Deep South joke? I guess that’s the way things go then.

CL: Who are you talking to?

FS!: Fake Cliff Lee. So Cliff. What did the Phillies offer that the Rangers and Yankees couldn’t?

CL: The chance to bat.

FS!: You just want to bat?

CL: Yep. That’s pretty much it. Money matters not to those who wait.

FS!: That’s like a combination of two expressions that don’t exist.

CL: Obviously.

FS!: I feel like both the Yankees and the Rangers would let you bat. You’re good enough.

CL: Oh absolutely. But I don’t want to be allowed. I want to be required. Don’t ask permission, just ask forgiveness.

FS!: Never understood that phrase. What’s wrong with permission? Are you afraid of rejection?

CL: No.

FS!: Dang. I keep forgetting I’m talking to you and not typing words into a box and pushing ‘post.’ Gotta keep these thoughts to myself.

CL: I should have joined the Rangers.

FS!: Thank you for saying that.

CL: I feel bad for making your prediction wrong.

FS!: Indeed you ruined my perfect prediction streak.

CL: I am the worst person ever.

FS!: That may be a bit harsh but you certainly are a whore.

CL: I prefer to think of myself as a mercenary.

FS!: Nope, I’m going to go with very expensive whore.

CL: This is a family blog.

FS!: With a whore being interviewed on it? Not anymore.

CL: Fuck.


And scene.

Sorry about the f-word. I can’t control what Cliff Lee says.

Hopefully potential employers can look past this one instance of profanity and still hire me.

"My heart hurts.' -Fantastik Sports

2 thoughts on “A Fake Interview With Cliff Lee

  1. Sup. This is Brian Soffer and Mary Murphy, she showed me your blog. I think you are pretty funny, but I am a Phillies fan and I am happy to take Cliff Lee from you guys. I recommend that you talk about Randy Moss, everything he says is fucking hilarious. Also, Mary wants you to know that Jayson Werth is hot. Stop trashing Werth, his contract sucks but he won a World Series how is that for credentials? More than any Ranger. Plus he is top 5 in career NL playoff homeruns… EVER. I do love Ian Kinsler tho. dude is a champ.

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