Jayson (is) Werth Alot

No. It is not. I am not even going to mince words. He is absolutely not worth 7 years, 126 million dollars. Absolutely not.

Also I am an expert at puns. Or plays on words. Or is it play on words. Word’s? Oh wait. I forgot I made that joke long ago. Prize to whoever remembers/finds which post that joke happened in previously.

Your prize is nothing.

Um back to Jayson Werth. I have 3 problems with this situation. Wait let’s make it an even 4.

  1. The way Jayson is spelled.
  2. The length of the contract for an over-30 player with minimal credentials.
  3. The way in which people are currently freaking out.
  4. The manner in which Jayson Werth chooses to wear his facial hair.
'Not the camera, Jayson!' -Cameraman

1. Jayson is not cute. It is not clever. It is not his dad’s name. It sounds okay with his last name. But you know what would sound the same? Jason.

Now I’m not usually one to conserve traditions in any capacity but with the spelling of names, people are really starting to bother me.

While names like Morpheus and Brooklyn may be awesome, they are also ridiculous and better served as being not names.

TAKE OUT THE Y. It may make you unique. I absolutely does in fact. But unique is not some sort of automatically awesome thing. Do not assume that. Just like awesome. Something that inspires awe could be a tsunami. A tsunami is awesome. Dudes, a tsunami is not awesome. Not like that. There’s an example of awesome being bad.

Same thing with unique.

2. Dude is over 30. That’s pretty old for an athlete that throws his body around the outfield and relies on speed. Werth is a decent hitter. I mean I don’t actually know I just think I can get away with calling any professional athlete decent except like Adrian Peterson. He’s pretty good.

Apparently he won this: “Unsung Star of the Year.” Kinda wish I knew what ‘unsung’ meant. Feels like a buzzword used only in sports. Like ‘synergy’ except that’s a more heavily used buzzword and is never used in the context of sports.

Have I been wow-ed by Jayson Werth ever? No. Because I don’t watch Phillies games. I have a life. Slash I like the Rangers. And hate the Phillies. But mostly the life thing. Baseball is chill though.

‘Yo did that last paragraph have a point?’

Absolutely not.

But if players are investments for teams, this was a bad one. Calling it in the air. As is everyone else ever. A bandwagon is for things that are good and smart right? Because everyone is hitching their wagon to the ‘bad’ train and I really like being right. Maybe Werth will be like Brett Favre. Except less pictures of his penis. Or more. I’d be down for either.

That paragraph took a weird turn. Weird mood today y’all.

'I like money. That's why I read fantastiksports.wordpress.com' -Scott Boras, agent to Jayson Werth, others

3. People are freaking out. About nothing. Baseball teams make alot of money. Hence people involved with baseball teams make alot of money.

Sure the organ players don’t make alot. Wait, is that how ‘organ’ is spelled? I feel like its different. Just checked: I was right. Big surprise.

Back to the point. Players make the team the most money hence they are compensated the most. By no means am I in favor of excess. And athletes salaries are absolutely excessive. But I’m surprised people don’t say this more.

Does it make no sense? Is there some hole in the logic I am missing? Because I am blogging drunk at 2 in the afternoon right now.

Just kidding. Or am I?

No I really am kidding.

Wait maybe saying that is just incredibly unpopular. I would love for someone to leave a mean comment.

Or any comment. Or not.

'Squawk' -Chris Andersen

4. His facial hair sucks. Athletes are going to be known if they are good. Or at least they should be. They absolutely will be by the fans of their team and agents and people within the business.

It’s when they go all ‘publicity-y’ seeking the public’s eye. Which is so annoying.

The Birdman (aka Chris Anderson) is a perfect example. Dude is a great rebounder and defender. But people know him because of his obnoxious and ridiculous tattoos. So annoying.

And by calling him annoying, the Birdman has won.

See, Andersen is seeking annoyance. And he does it very, very well. And it has a larger affect on the game in basketball.

Werth is just doing it to either be noticed by casual fans or because he wants to look unkempt.

Both of those reasons are terrible and bad.

It’s not like Zach Greinke steps on the rubber and sees that godforsaken facial hair and thinks to himself, ‘MAN I really wanna strike that guy out.’

No. Absolutely not. Greinke wants to strike every damn batter out in the league regardless of beard status.

So go ahead and be annoying and ugly looking Jayson Werth. It literally makes no difference.

Damn. He got me. I just realized I wasted words on why we shouldn’t waste words on his beard.

You got me this time, Werth. I’ll just scorch you in a fake interview later in the week.

UPDATE: I don’t know if I’m down to write anymore about Jayson Werth. We’ll see.



One thought on “Jayson (is) Werth Alot

  1. Yo, this is your home dawg Shiva writing on behalf of Blaine hence the Blaine Herrmann information above. Or below. W@tevs. We like that you tied Birdman into this. And by we, I mean Shiva(myself) and Blaine. thanks for a Good post

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