And the winner is….
I flatly refuse to interview Phillie Phanatic Phkid. How about Roy Halladay? Is that fair?
FS!: Hey Roy, thanks for taking the time to talk to us today.
RH: Sure man no problem. I always have time not talk to the fake interview media.
FS!: That didn’t really make sense. Now let’s start fabricating some data.
RH: Sounds good.
FS!: So Roy, playoff no-hitter. How does that feel?
RH: Every [expletive] journalist has asked me that. What do you mean ‘how does it feel’? That is bush league [expletive].
FS!: Dude, its not like I’m a real journalist. I use these interviews to both mock players and the interview process. Hence, the first question.
RH: Gotcha. But seriously. Journalists. Stop asking that question. It feels pretty [expletive] good. Use your imagination.
FS!: This is a classic example of a blog making fun of mainstream media. I might as well call it: LameStream media.
RH: That’s a dope ass pun, brah.
FS!: So Roy, what do you have to say about Tim Lincecum? His start in Game 1 of the NLDS against the Braves has been called better than yours.
RH: I don’t mean to look down upon people, but how many hits did Lice-cum give up? Two. I gave up zero. I mean look at that number. That’s the only number that matters. Right? Hits. Not runs. Not walks. Not Ks.
FS!: Well I mean, arguably, things like WHIP and VORP are more helpful statistics.
RH: Oh gosh. How could I forget about sabermetrics, baseball’s most valuable statistics?!
FS!: I don’t know if you’re being sarcastic or not.
FS!: Okay. So back to Tim. Do you think he will repeat as Cy Young? I’m pretty sure a Philly journalist referred to you as ‘this year’s Cy Young Award Winner.’ Did I miss something? Lincecum played awfully well too.
RH: Classic Philly. Anointing someone before they even know what’s gonna happen. That’s what happened with Lindros and McNabb.
FS!: That’s not really true with either of those people.
RH: Psh. Are you even FROM Philly?
FS!: No, I never claimed that at all. I’m from Texas.
RH: Oh really. What county?
FS!: I don’t wanna get into my exact location.
RH: That’s probably cuz your county is SHIT.
FS!: Woah. Why didn’t I edit out that expletive??!
RH: I don’t understand the context of the question within the form of a live interview.
FS!: So Roy. Do you think you guys have what it takes?
RH: Well, it really depends who we ultimately face off with in the World Series. I mean at this point we are totally looking past the Giants because frankly their team ERA has been awful and once you get past Lincecum it’s basically like taking BP. I’m going to have a field day at the plate.
FS!: Was that even coherent? SF’s team ERA is 0.93. Matt Cain and Jonathan Sanchez are by no means pushovers. And you aren’t a particularly good hitter, are you?
RH: If I had to compare myself to an AL pitcher, I would be CJ Wilson.
FS!: I don’t understand why you would compare yourself to a pitcher in the other league who has probably less than 10 ABs all season.
RH: Dude, have you seen that guy hit? It’s like frozen rope central. He just gets unlucky because the fielders are usually in the way of his hot shots.
FS!: I actually have watched alot of CJ Wilson this year. I was moderately impressed with his batting but then again, he’s a pitcher that bats in like sub 5 games a year. That’s a function of the AL and the fact that he’s a pitcher. What a god awful comparison.
RH: That’s why they call me Doc Halladay.
FS!: That is not why they call you that. I don’t really understand the nickname.
RH: I’m a gunslinger. Like the Brett Favre of the MLB. Or the NL. I think CC Sabathia does better gunslingin’ than me in the AL.
FS!: What a coherent thought. Great way to end the interview. Oh and thanks for the Brett Favre reference. That’ll stack some mad hits.
Replace Roy Halladay with any other pitcher in the MLB. See if the interview changes in the slightest bit!
I ❤ h8rs
UPDATE: I wrote this like a week ago.