Fake Interview With Lance Armstrong: Revisited

lance armstrong.

he asked ME for an interview.

he wants to get his story out to the 5 people that will read this.

yes, i am talking to YOU.

anyway here it is.

Part 2.


LA: Hey man. How you been since the last interview?

FS!: NM JC. I’ve been doing the whole blog thing. And whatnot. What about you?

LA: Oh not too much. I just lost the Tour de France.

FS!: Isn’t finishing that considered to be a big accomplishment? Like a marathon? Except on a bike? And way more mountains than a marathon?

LA: You know for most that’s probably true. But I like to think of myself in a different class than the n00bs that usually participate in that. I won like 7 times in a row. I think.

FS!: You aren’t even sure of your own success? Did you know memory loss is a sign of blood doping?

LA: Yes, how could I forget that?

FS!: Well played, Lance. But let’s get right down to this mug. Did you blood dope?

LA: When? Could you be specific?

FS!: Anytime before or during the TdF.

LA: Hellz yez. I wanted to win. Everyone was doing it.

FS!: Now, everyone here knows I love using cliches.

LA: It’s just me here.

FS!: Precisely. But using your reasoning, that everyone was doing it, would it be appropriate to jump off a bridge just because the cool kids did it?

LA: Well, if you wanted to be cool….

FS!: I feel the same way! How does no one get that you have to do as the cool kids to be cool?

LA: I don’t know. Parents have ruined society with this whole concept of individuality. The cool kids are cool for a reason.

FS!: I have never felt closer with you ever before.

LA: Any more questions?

FS!: Just one. What are you doing later tonight?

LA: Probz chillin witt thaa GF.

FS!: Oh really? Who are you dating right now?

LA: I’m trying to keep our relationship on the down low.

FS!: Okay. I respect your privacy.

LA: It’s Lindsay Lohan.

FS!: Oh excellent. Because now I can tag her in this post and possibly gain more hits.

LA: Wow. What a win-win for your blog!

FS!: So let me revisit some of the questions from our last interview. For example: how is the ol’ c-bone?

LA: My collarbone? That’s been healed for about a year now. So fine.

FS!: Does blood doping help that heal?

LA: You know what. I don’t know. It could but that’s not why I doped my blood so hard. I did it so I could win. Obvii.

FS!: Could you have doped your blood softly and still won?

LA: I mean maybe. But Lance Armstrong is all about going hard and being hard.

FS!: You heard it here first. Lance Armstrong is all about going hard and being hard. So Lance. Do you think doing this interview makes you hard?

LA: Oh it definitely makes me hard. I mean people on the streetz r finna b tlkin bout cha boi Armstreezy and how he is so hard.

FS!: Why did you talk like that?

LA: Idk my bff jill. I lik 2 switch btwn tlkng lik a 6th grade gurl nd tlkng lik I grew up n tha hood.

FS!: Do you just want me to guess how to spell what you just verbalized?

LA: Ya. That should be fine. I mean, as long as the readers get how hard I am at all times then we’re good.

FS!: Ever hang out with McConaughey anymore?

LA: Nah not really. I find he’s too stupid for me.

FS!: Don’t blame you at all.


Matt + Lance 4neva!

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