Ilya Kovalchuk

First off. I spelled his name right. The first time. Without looking it up.

Secondly, does anyone care about him signing some outrageous 17 year deal with the Devil(s)?

Thirdly, was he forced to forfeit his soul in order to sign with the aforementioned Devil(s)?

In answer to my first question, ‘Yes, I in fact care.’

Now, don’t get me wrong. I am all for loyalty to a team. Drafting a player and watching them rise to the top of their field must be a rush of blood to the head.

Is a rush of blood to the head a good thing? I know its a Coldplay CD. So we’ll count it.

Kovalchuk is a Cold Playa

Ilya Kovalchuk can, by all means, sign for 20 years for all I care. Apparently its against the CBA of the NHL. Well NBD man let’s just listen to TCB by BTO. (CBA=Collective Bargaining Agreement, NHL=National Hockey League, NBD=No Big Deal, TCB=Takin’ Care ((of)) Business, BTO=Bachman Turner Overdrive)

That was a very subtle Simpsons reference.

Now, recently I have been reading FreeDarko. And Pitchfork Media. Both of which review sports and music respectively in very verbose and pretentious terms. Hence, I shall put on my FreeDarko Hat and review what Ilya Kovalchuk has done:

Ilya’s decision to commit to a singular for 1.7 decades recalls a simpler time, a simpler sound much like Miles Davis’ ‘Blue Period,’ a time where Miles sought something solid to grasp. The laconic tone of his post-signing press conference harkens the image of a loquacious child, who sees the future not as fear but as uncertainty. The deference of the NJ Devils organization to pursue such a puerile athlete chills further the very ice on which they play. Ilya’s style is secondary to his personality and while his game is distinctly older, he compares nicely to DeMarcus Cousins.

I could listen to him for Miles..

That was fun. If anyone can interpret that, they need to buy a dictionary. The majority of those adjectives were pulled out of the dark recesses of my medula my own stupidity. They recall a time of sophomoric misanthropy much as Picasso did when he painted the Hands of the Peasants.

Okay now I’m just making stuff up.

Ilya Kovalchuk just wants to make ‘mad bank’ althought I have read he’s actually making less money than he could.

That seems unlikely because when 2027 rolls around I doubt he could be doing work that would earn him $500,000.

Or would it be russian dollars because he’s russian.

Is he Russian?

I wrote the really pretentious part at like midnight last night so hopefully you found some humor in the ramblings.

Hey Bethlehem Shoals. Sup.

Is this you, Bethy?

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