Arguably more important and better than LeBron.
Here comes Chris.
(NOTE: This interview was conducted via telephone.)
FS!: Sup man
CB: Nada nada man. Just working on my espanol for Miami.
(NOTE: He pronounced Miami like the girl from the Will Smith song. Me-ah-me.)
FS!: So what made you decide on Miami?
CB: I really like the nightclubs. The weather’s great. And Dwayne’s the ultimate teammate.
FS!: So did you and LeBron have an actual summit with Joe Johnson or was that just a dream?
CB: Nah homie that shit was real. I was like damn this is crazy shit. Shit.
FS!: Chris I understand the excitement but watch the profanity. This is a family blog. Our biggest demographic is actually kids under the age of 8. So back off.
CB: Man there ain’t no censorship on me, hoe.
FS!: The FCC is all over my back man. I can’t go to jail.
CB: Who would go to jail over publishing profanity on the Internet?
FS!: You have no idea. I’m on their hit list. Barack Obama keeps calling me at home. Donald Rumsfeld stalks my house. Heck, George W. Bush lives in the same town as me.
CB: All those things seem either outlandishly false or irrelevant.
FS!: I’m going to ignore that.
CB: Good. Just avoid the problem rather than talking about it. That’s called denial.
FS!: So where do you see yourself fitting in on this team?
CB: Oh man. I feel like I am equal to LeBron and Dwayne
(NOTE: He pronounced Dwayne like De-Wayne. He’s got alot to learn about Miami..)
FS!: Are you concerned that LeBron and Dwayne will overshadow you?
CB: Well actually I think my game might overshadow them. I mean I’m taller.
FS!: Are you concerned that you might be thought of as a second-fiddle type?
CB: I’m not really concerned. All I have to do is play my game and I’ll prove myself the real franchise player of the Heat.
FS!: How do you feel about the Orlando Magic?
CB: You know right now I’m pretty comfortable with the Heat. But there have been some trade talks about the Magic. I’m not that kinda guy who’ll demand a trade, but if they wanna make a move I am prepared to move wherever I can best help.
FS!: I’m sorry. I was talking about the natural rivalry with the Magic. But that seemed more interesting. Are there really already trade talks?
CB: I mean yeah. Why do you think I have an ESPN Insider account.
FS!: I was unaware of your ESPN Account status.
CB: Oh well I have it just for that reason. To check rumors. And the baseball Hot Stove. I’m a big Ian Kinsler fan.
FS!: Is there any way I could get that Insider password? I’ve wanted one for awhile but I’m too cheap and lazy to get it.
CB: I can’t get in trouble with ESPN. I mean I don’t wanna get locked out of fantasy football.
FS!: Agreed. But seriously. Every John Hollinger article is Insider. Isn’t that such nonsense?
CB: Yeah. That’s bullshit man.
FS!: DUDE. Chill with the language. I can’t believe you swear so much.
CB:Man, I’m from Texas. Come on hoe.
FS!: Do you think moving to the Heat and this SuperTeam will ruin LeBron’s legacy?
CB: Nah, I think it’ll ruin mine more.
FS!: Really? How do you figure? You aren’t exactly the global icon LeBron is..
CB: Man, you never been to China have you. Chris Bosh is big over there.
FS!: Bigger than LeBron?
CB: Hellz yez.
FS!: I highly doubt that.
CB: Man, all I heard during free agency was that I should stay in Toronto and build a champion there. Like Michael and Kobe. But when it comes down to it, I just couldn’t stay.
FS!: Was it the cold?
CB: No. I can handle the cold. I bought a big jacket.
FS!: What about the snow?
CB: Someone’s never been to Toronto. It don’t snow there.
FS!: That seems false.
CB: Back to my legacy though, I just didn’t want it to end like the movie Land Before Time. Ya know?
FS!: No I really don’t. Elaborate more on that idea.
CB: I mean, in that movie, the earth got hit by a giant meteorite and the dinosaurs got killed. I didn’t wanna get hit by a meteorite only to have the Raptors get killed.
FS!: What does that even mean?
CB: I wanted to save Jose Calderon’s life. I wanted to save Carlos Delfino’s life. Turgkolu too.
FS!: Are you sure it has nothing to do with the similarities between you and one of the main characters, Littlefoot?
CB: Every interview I get asked that same question. I don’t look like him!!!!
FS!: What separates you from Littlefoot?
CB: First off, he’s a cartoon. Secondly, I am not a dinosaur. I just have many, many, many dinosaur-like features.
FS!: So you do admit you look like a dinosaur?
CB: I mean I have mirrors at my house.
FS!: Does this have anything to do with your current haircut?
CB: I shaved off the mini dreads because it gave me a more distinct dino look. Now I just look like the spawn of a giraffe and a dinosaur. With bigger feet. And longer arms.
FS!: Alright. I think we’re done here. Chris, thank you so much. I look forward to watching you and the Heat this year.
CB: Are you actually gonna watch?
FS!: Wow. Really put me on the spot there. Um no. Unless y’all play the Thunder. Or possibly the Bulls. Or the Lakers. And I’m not really looking forward to it either..
CB: Alright. Peace out man.
FS!: That was awkward.
Phone interview over.
Also: I totally still got it. Like riding a bike.
I can blog like a blogger.
Hit me up. My services are available.
Or Bethlehem Shoals. You’re chill too. We talked on Twitter a few times.