The Curious Case of Benjamin Button-sberger

I’ll go on record right now.

I hate Big Ben and the entire Steelers team.

They stole Anquan Boldin’s first ring from him on Santonio Holmes lucky catch.

I find it highly repulsive that they operate in the netherworld of a team filled with team players who also happen to be people which I hate.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate team players. I hate them unless they play for my favorite teams.

Or have sweet beards.

OPEN YOUR EYES PEOPLE. Players with sweet beards are NEVER team players.

Except maybe James Harden. But he gets a “plays for my favorite team” exemption.


Get a better haircut. Although in this case, let it grow out, then get a better haircut. It makes your already pudgy face look really fat. Also is Mike Tomlin like 5'5"? Seriously. Get that man some platform shoes. My depth perception is off.

Roethlisberger is particularly egregious.

Dude’s like 6’8″

And also very ugly.

Like uglier than the usual guys I make fun of.

He also wears shirts with demons on them.

Strike two.

He also rides a motorcycle, which would normally be a strike. However, it is a ball in this case.

You know why? Because watching someone over 7 feet tall ride a motorcycle would be hilarious. And he crashed it once I think.

That is one ugly man. And its not like he's surrounded by great company either. Except for that police officer? What? How'd he slip in there? There are two police officers? What?

Strike three is the whole sexual harassment thing.

Seriously, not cool man.

Also. The supposed harassment-bar’s video camera recording thing overwrote on the tape where Big Ben was shown.

This is standard procedure.

However, if your bar is at the center of a major legal investigation, don’t do this.

Stop it.

People are so dumb.


And Big Ben is already really stupid!

He went to Miami of Ohio. Nuff said.

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