A Fake Interview with Jimmie Johnson

FS!: Howdy Jimmie. How are things? Darn tootin’?

JJ: Why are you talking like that?

FS!: All racecar drivers are hicks and I figured if I mocked you it would make you feel more welcome.

JJ: Dad-gum son, you done good!

FS!: Anyway, how are you? The season’s winding down, your thoughts.

JJ: Well I’m going to win the Sprint Cup, so I am doing pretty good. Plus my wife is hot.

FS!: Wow. How misogynistic. Try not to be so sexist. Stupid hick.

JJ: Sorry. I guess loving my wife is sexist now.

FS!: Yeah. Shut up about your wife. We don’t want to hear about her and her stupid nice body.

JJ: I forgot this was family blog. I’ll tone down the PG material, like calling a woman attractive.

FS!: Much appreciated.

Jimmie Johnson's wife is hot.

JJ: So.

FS!: So I’m going to ask you what everyone in my audience is thinking: why am I interviewing you?

JJ: My agent is a genius. I pinched myself earlier. This is like a dream come true.

FS!: But I hate racecar driving. And NASCAR. So why am I even sitting here?

JJ: I don’t really know. On another note though, I can’t believe the size of your office building. And that receptionist? She was hot.

FS!: Watch your damn language.

JJ: Oh I get why that last thing was funny. Because you told me to not say anything semi-explicit by using an explicit word.

FS!: Finally. Someone who gets me.

JJ: I’m glad you’ve come to accept me.

FS!: No, I still hate you and everything you stand for. Why is car driving even a sport?

JJ: (shrugs shoulders) I don’t know.

FS!: I’ll tell you why it isn’t. Because it isn’t hard! Anyone can drive a car! At 200 miles an hour! Around a small track with 39 other people! In a race setting!

JJ: Wow. I’ve seen the light. You are so right. That takes no skill. If that’s true, then why do I have so much money?

FS!: Who knows? I’ll tell you who: Hicks.

JJ: Yeah. Those stupid hicks. Except they don’t even like me. I’m too clean cut.

FS!: Too clean cut for hicks? Now I’ve heard it all.

JJ: I know! I assumed they could respect someone who shaved and was pretty fit. But apparently no dice.

FS!: Maybe you should go back to saying things like “dagnabbit” and “rassle.”

JJ: Can you use “rassle” in a normal sentence?

FS!: I’m going to go rassle me some varmints!

JJ: Good call.

FS!: Thanks.

JJ: Anyway. Back to me being clean cut. I had scruff for, like, a whole day. Those people just can’t be pleased.

FS!: Except by NASCAR.

Pictured: Jimmie Johnson, scruff. Not pictured: The respect of hicks.

JJ: How ironic.

FS!: This is weird. It’s like I’m interviewing myself.

JJ: That’s what I was going to say!

FS!: Twins.

JJ: Well you do have rugged good looks, much like myself.

FS!: Damn skippy.

JJ: Well, I do declare, we should have a hoedown!

FS!: Will there be a fiddle player?

JJ: But of course! And we will do western-y things!

FS!: Stop using Exclamation points.

JJ: Sorry!

FS!: NASCAR sucks.


Sorry. Short one today. Little bored with the topic.

It’ll be better tomorrow.


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