Heisman Watch: Fantastik Sports: Swag

Taking a page out of my old playbook, I’m going to reference an ESPN article throughout this post.


ESPN experts poll

First Impressions:

Mark Ingram is decent.

Case Keenum’s stats are swaggerific.

Tim Tebow and Colt McCoy have been more off than my light switch. And my light switch is off right now.

CJ Spiller? What has he done? Nothing.

Kellen Moore does not, NOT deserve 2 first place votes. EVER. EVER.EVERVEVRVERVERVERVERVERVER.

Toby Gerhart has swag and deserves at least 15 first place votes.

Toby Gerhart is number 7. Do you know why? Because he averages 7 touchdowns a game. And 7 is a lucky number. That was stupid. Sorry.
Toby Gerhart is number 7. Do you know why? Because he averages 7 touchdowns a game. And 7 is a lucky number. That was stupid. Sorry.

Jacquizz Rodgers needs less z’s in his name. Yes, two z’s is too many z’s. Two too many. Wordplay.

Hey, is Jordan Shipley roomates with Colt McCoy? What a news story. I hope ESPN/everyone doesn’t talk about it non-stop. That’d be annoying and unnecessary. ITS NOT EVEN A REALLY GOOD STORY. Congrats, they live together. Stop the presses. I hear Tim Tebow does missionary work. (That’s a joke because everyone already knows that too.)

Jimmy Clausen. Really. No joke. Jimmy Clausen is on a Heisman list. I feel like I’m on Candid Camera. Not familiar with that show? It’s a less funny version of Punk’d. And Punk’d is very funny. So Candid Camera is pretty funny.

Andy Dalton is the most underrated player by default. Only because TCU isn’t given the time of day in a clock factory. Gosh, I’m pretty heavy on analogies today. Or are they allusions? Similies?

Ryan Matthews is probably a nice young man. I doubt he’s good enough to be on a Heisman list though. Prove me wrong, Ryan Matthews.

ryan matthews
That's the wrong Ryan Matthews.


Beano Cook.

How can someone named after “a natural enzyme supplement that can help you prevent gas, bloating, and other digestive problems after eating certain foods” be on a panel of college football experts?

Am I judging a book by its cover? That depends. Is his name his cover? This analogy is confusing. I’m confused.

I’m done with my analysis section. I guess by Analysis I mean talking about Beano Cook.

This poster was made just because Beano's name shares the last two letters of Juno's name. They didn't even change the quote or the little cliche tagline thing. I'm even MORE confused. Is Beano Cook pregnant?

FS! Heisman Watch:

1. Case Keenum. I think Houston has diddly squat without Keenum passing for 500+ yards a game. I also love seeing 536 yard, 5 TD games and 559 yard, 5 TD games scroll across the ESPN Bottom Line.

2. Toby Gerhart. Watch a Stanford game. If you can’t, just trust me. You trust me, don’t you?

3. Andy Dalton. TCU is just beastmode. Until they lose Dalton will occupy the 3 spot in my rankings. Just to remind you. TCU. TCU. TCU.

4. Mark Ingram. The Super Sophmore is pretty good. I hate it when announcers say that he’s better ‘after first contact.’ It may be true, but SHUT UP.

5. CJ Spiller. I feel like he’s fast. Is he fast?

cj spiller
CJ Spiller looks fast. Except Clemson lost to Nebraska last year in the Gator Bowl. CJ Spiller couldn't outrun the Huskers. Except he probably could. In a foot race, that is.

PS New features on the Sidebar. Brandon Jenning Stat Dominance and Heisman Watch. Updated whenever it feels right.


One thought on “Heisman Watch: Fantastik Sports: Swag

  1. you wrote, “C.J. Spiller: What has he done? Nothing.” Whoever made that statement should have turned on the television this past football season. And just because Clemson didn’t beat Nebraska in their bowl game doesn’t mean Spiller wasn’t good. Good players lose games; it happens. I followed that kid a lot this past season, and it’s a shame he didn’t get the respect he deserves this season. Too many people are waaay bias when it comes to college football, but NFL experts are all over Spiller for the draft. I don’t know of a team that wouldn’t want this guy on their side. I will enjoy watching him on Sundays in years to come.

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