Brandon Jennings: What Starbury Could Have Been. Only, with better hair.

I have a pretty torrid love affair with BJennings.

I mean, I have always been in love with him and his game.

Ever since I saw the hair.

That's a carry. Just so you know.

It wasn’t until ‘Gunnin’ For That #1 Spot’ that I realize what superb, unadulterated swag he really had.

Swag is a word that is intentionally ambiguous.

But when you see BJ, you know its definition.

Because of this, you can clearly see the reason he went to Europe.

It takes a certain cockiness to dismiss college, the only way for a US-born player to enter the League.

Italy? Really? The only two people who play in Italy are Kobe’s dad and Josh Childress.

And no one knows who Childress is.

AND Josh Childress plays in Greece.

Josh Childress

But that’s not the point.

BJ didn’t get any PT in Italy. He also didn’t play like a mug. Like a madman. Or particularly well.

But he did it.

And the whole world was buzzin cuz of it, cousin.

Jump ahead like however long he was in Europe.

Draft Day? This was BJ in a nutshell.

Coming in late, 2 picks after himself. Swaggin in a purple tie. Creepin up on David. How much more BJ can you get?

Brandon Jennings in the flesh.

Fast forward to a week into the NBA season.

BJ is shooting a blazing 48% from the field, featuring 50% from3. He averages 22 points on a subpar Bucks team. ROY much? I think so.

He leads the Bucks in the following:

Age (Youngest), Games Started, Minutes, Minutes Per Game, FG, FG Per Game, FGA, FGA Per Game, FG% (minimum 3 FG attempted), 3P, 3P Per Game, 3PA, 3PA Per Game, 3P%, Assists, Assists Per Game, Steals, Steals Per Game, Turnovers, Turnovers Per Game.

I’ll keep a running tally of how he continues to dominate my mind as well as the Bucks backcourt.

More importantly:

Ersan Ilyasova. Bucks Forward or Guard or Center I don’t really care.

Averages. 8.2 fouls. Per 36 Minutes.

How can you average more fouls than it takes to foul out of a game, in merely 3 quarters.

Such is basketball-reference.com.

If only he had kept the 'do. Then I would respect him.

 

Urban Meyer is ridiculous. And I mean that.

Brandon Spikes tried to stab someone in the eye.

Oh my gosh WHY.

He puts his hand, up to his wrist, inside that guy’s facemask.

I get the incidental grabbing of facemasks. I get roughing the passer. That can be fun since quarterbacks are so whiny and stuff. (Especially Brady)

But this is threatening this guy beyond just football.

Now I would say eyes rank verrrrryyy high on my list of places to protect, after heart and brain.

Eyes are the most important facial feature. Besides facial hair of course.

Eyes are so expressive. They are also very pretty.

OH YEAH AND THEY HELP YOU SEE AND LIVE.

Brandon Spikes deserves to be suspended for more than just a half.

Urban Meyer needs to seriously like watch that video.

That’s like assault. No joke.

Straight up assault.

Quarterbacks can’t claim assault because they know part of football is getting hit.

But this guy is not running headfirst into Spikes’ hand, which would be lolz, but he isn’t.

He is falling towards the ground and Spikes decides to jam his hand where the sun don’t shine.

And by that I mean the peepers.

I don’t know what I am madder about: Brandon Spikes hand job or Urban Meyer’s lack of any spine.

Urban Meyer is like a football genius. But I mean really?

Bro?

P.S.

I’m back.

And I have LOTS of stuff to be mad about.

NFL Preview: AFC South

Indianapolis Colts

No Marvin Harrison, lots of problems. You mean to tell me that Anthony Gonzalez can pick up that slack? No dice.

Nickname: Reggie “Dwayne Michael Carter Jr.” Wayne.

Projected Record: 1-15.

Reggie Wayne can get down with the get down.

Tennessee Titans

Vince Young will have to step in for Kerry Collins at some point. Collins peaked last year and now its only a matter of time.

Nickname: Lendale “Glendale, AZ” White.

Projected Record: 8-8.

'Lendale White is fat' would have been a better caption for this photo.

Jacksonville Jaguars

Their defense is okay. David Garrard is okay. The new jerseys are not okay. This is shaping up to be a bad season. Except for Maurice Jones-Drew

Nickname: Maurice “The Hyphenated Beast” Jones-Drew

Projected Record: 7-9

Maurice Jones-Drew is a gigantic sellout.

Houston Texans

Andre Johnson is amazing. Is he good enough to carry the team? Yes. He is.

Nickname: Matt “Charles Schwab” Shaub.

Projected Record: 11-5.

Dunta Robinson and Andre Johnson. I could make a pun about Dunta's name but that would be too obvious. Right?

Off The Map, Nonsensical Brilliance

So much happened this week that I am going to interrupt both the NFL Preview AND Lookin’ Boy Monday.

You’ll probably be mad because of this but so be it.

First off:

Serena Williams.

What a ridiculous call by the US Open official. And the tournament director.

Threatened to kill the linesperson? Maybe. But I like it.

If you are surprised by Serena’s reaction, then you have NO idea how like aggressively competitive she is.

She is actually, medically-documented-ly, clinically insane.

And she can hit a tennis ball really hard.

I’m chalking her suspension/disqualification/fine to racism.

Its just like I always say, “The US Open is racist”

(I have never said that until just now. Don’t tell anyone. Be cool, man.)

Denim skirt? Really?

Second off:

KanYe West.

Genius move on his part.

Few people were buzzin about him, but nothing like the climax about 808s and Heartbreak or Graduation.

Part of what makes him great is the passion he showed last night.

I mean, c’mon. The guy can latch so strongly on a video that he feels compelled to climb on stage and steal the mic from a 19 year old girl. That is incredible.

He didn’t even produce/write/have anything to do with the song! Or video for that matter!

His genius is part passion and part insanity.

But did he cross the line last night?

No.

Taylor could have prevented this by not giving him the mic. Thank my lucky stars she handed it over!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Third Off:

Tiger Woods.

He decided to actually play this weekend.

He destroyed the field by 8 shots, including a course record 62 on Saturday.

He will win the FedEx Cup. You heard it here first. Even though you probably didn’t.

On another note, he beat PGA Champion YE Yang by 32 shots.

That is just grand hustle, pimp.

This picture is ironic now. If only YE knew what was to come...

Fourth Off:

Texas Rangers.

The Rangers really didn’t do so hot this weekend and they may very well have vanquished their playoff hopes.

However, their game on Saturday really hit a chord (is it spelled chord or cord? I don’t care.) with me.

The game was called with 3 outs remaining.

The Rangers lost the game.

The Rangers only got to play 24 outs, compared to the Mariners 27.

How is this fair?

I mean I get it if the home team is winning and they don’t play the bottom of the 9th.

But the home team was losing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The MLB seriously need to look at this policy because it is downright stupid.

I understand that they can’t predict the weather* but at least let the teams play full innings. Duh.

(*I think the MLB CAN predict the weather. If only the MLB would believe in themselves, there would be no stopping what they could do.)

Julio Borbon and Sean Gaston. I do not know who Sean Gaston is. Hopefully that was funny. I didn't write a joke in there. But maybe you found one.

Fifth Off:

Michigan vs. Notre Dame.

For one time, and ONE TIME ONLY, I take the side of Notre Dame.

Only because I absolutely have unadulterated hatred for the Big Ten Conference.

Both teams are overrated. But the whole Big Ten thing makes me root against Michigan.

I HATE THE BIG TEN.

Jim Tressel leads his team in the spelling of 'OVERRATED.' Don't blame me for the poor quality of this joke. I didn't make it up. I stole it.

Sixth Off:

Monday Night Football.

The Bills will get wrecked in every direction.

T.O. will be wishing he’s back in Dallas.

Trent Edwards will be wishing he did something else during his time at Stanford.

Tom Brady will be LOL-ing.

FTW.

There is no way around this: TO has amazing abs.

NFL Preview: NFC South

New Orleans Saints

Lil’ Wayne’s favorite team. If I’m ever going to be his best friend, I’d hype up this team. How ironic. Because I seriously consider them a victim of the hypemachine year in and year out.

Nickname: Marques “Coldstone Creamery” Colston.

Projected Record: 15-1.

Reggie Bush. Just a typical day.

Carolina Panthers

Something clever about Carolina.

Nickname: John “Foxy” Fox.

Projected Record: 8-8

John Fox. Moments after reading my nickname for him. Obvious? Yes. Clever? Not really.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers

They are going to be awful. No two ways around it.

Nickname: Josh “The Bucs are starting Byron Leftwich over me” Freeman.

Projected Record: 2-14.

Byron Leftwich plays better on a broken leg.

Atlanta Falcons

Matt Ryan. Roddy White. Michael Turner. If the NFL was just offense, the Falcons would be like top 5 easy. But if the NFL was just offense, the whole “no defense” thing would ruin football.

Nickname: Matt “Nolan” Ryan.

Projected Record: 13-3.

I searched 'Roddy White' on Google Images and got this picture. From my own blog. From an earlier post. Beastmode.

NFL Preview: AFC West

Denver Broncos

With a quarterback like Kyle Orton how could you go wrong? I’m surprised the Bears gave him up. His beard should be enough for like 4 wins all by itself.

Nickname: Matt Forte “is overrated.”

Projected Record: 4-12.

THIS is what Kyle Orton looks like?

Kansas City Chiefs

With a quarterback like Matt Cassel how could you go wrong? I’m surprised the Pats gave him up. His clean shaven face should be enough for like 4 wins all by itself.

Nickname: Larry Johnson “is underrated.”

Projected Record: 4-12

That's not how you wear a helmet! Silly Matt Cassel!

Oakland Raiders

The Raiders decided that JaMarcus Russell is a better quarterback than Jeff Garcia, so much so that the Raiders actually CUT Jeff Garcia. I just thought of a conspiracy theory. Has anyone seen Ashton Kutcher in awhile? No? Exactly. He’s gone undercover as Al Davis, owner of the Raiders. He’s Punk’n everyone. No one REALLY thinks that JaMarcus Russell is good. Right?

Nickname: Darren “Run-DMC” McFadden. Oh come on. I so came up with that.

Projected Record: 4-12.

What inspires JaMarcus Russell to pose for this picture? Answer: He didn't pose for it. This is just a day in the life.

San Diego Chargers

Phillip Rivers is like the poor man’s Drew Brees. (There’s no joke in there. I looked.)

Nickname: Shawne “Tequila” Merriman. That’s a pop culture reference. Oh well, I’m tired.

Projected Record: 4-12

This is what Shawne Merriman wants to look like. No one knows why.

Lookin’ Boy 20: Special Tuesday Edition

I’m totally guessing on that number. Just FYI.

Also this could be a super temporary return, seeing as I have only one idea for a Lookin’ Boy. And that one is this one.

Chad Something. From that really bad band.

That guy from the Wizard of Oz. And by guy I mean lion.

NFL Preview: NFC West

Hey.

Seattle Seahawks

Matt Hasslebeck is maybe the most overrated quarterback in the history of the world. That and the ‘Hawks got jobbed out of Super Bowl XL. Yes, I remember that nonsense. Look it up.

Nickname: Matt “His Back is a Hassle” Hasslebeck.

Projected Record: 3-13.

Shaun Alexander and Seal

Arizona Cardinals

Not only is Larry Fitzgerald’s smile delicious, his hair is too. Oh and Anquan Boldin survived like death (See video below). And Kurt Warner’s like 1,000. This team is like the definition of scrappy. Sorry David Eckstein, the title has passed over you.

Nickname: Edgerrin “The Edge” James. He’s a Seahawk now? What?

Projected Record: 12-4.

St. Louis Rams

Marc Bulger sucks.

Nickname: Steven “The Only Good Player on the Team” Jackson. And he’s not even that good.

Projected Record: 2-14.

Marc Bulger, sucking.

San Francisco 49ers

Alex Smith is the quarterback of the future. Let him know when the future gets here. He’s going to go back to sitting on the bench.

Nickname: Frank “As good at running as Al” Gore. Except Al Gore scored more TDs! Hiyo!

Projected Record: 1-15.

Alex Smith

NFL Preview: AFC East

Hey.

New England Patriots

19-0? No dice. They will not win more than 3 games this year. Unless Tom Brady plays. He’s injured right?

Nickname: Randy Moss Sucks.

Projected Record: 14-2.

Randy Moss

Miami Dolphins

Wildcat. Wildcat. Wildcat. Wildcat.Wildcat. Wildcat.Wildcat. Wildcat.Wildcat. Wildcat.Wildcat. Wildcat.

Nickname: Wildcat. Wildcat.

Projected Record: 16-0. (Betcha thought I was going to say Wildcat. Wildcat.Wildcat. Wildcat.Wildcat. Wildcat. Sorry. But the Wildcat. Wildcat. is why they’re gonna have a perfect season.)

T-shirt.

New York Jets

I want to like the Jets. But no more Wayne Chrebet makes me like them less. Is that reference to the fan-favorite, late 90s, early 00s wide reciever over your head? It seems cliche. Oh well.

Nickname: Mark “Nice Lips” Sanchez. He has nice lips.

Projected Record: 5-11.

Mark Sanchez

Buffalo Bills

Even if T.O. catches 9 touchdowns a game, the team cannot win without Marshawn Lynch. Until he proves he’s either a Mike Vick-style headcase or sane, he will not succeed. Walking the line between insanity and sanity does NOT work. Pick a side Marshawn. My guess: Insane. (I feel like this last part was a little wordy. Oh well.)

Nickname: Trent “The Guy Throwing to T.O./Handing The Ball Off To Marshawn ‘Beast Mode’ Lynch” Edwards.

Projected Record: 4-12.

Marshawn Lynch's mouth.

NFL Preview: NFC East

But first: A Word about Consistency.

I decided to come back. Officially. So now expect 5-6 posts a week. Yepperz.

Unless I get lazy. Yeah, I’m not in an accountable sorta mood. Sorry.

These NFL Preview posts should be brief. So I’ll try to jam jokes in.

Dallas Cowboys

They would be lucky to win 16 games. I’m projecting them to get a wild card though.

Nickname of a guy on the team: Shawn Marion Jones The Barbarian Barber of Fleet Street.

Projected Record: 9-7

Wade Phillips

Philadelphia Eagles

Their whole team is like 5,000 years old combined. Trust me. I did the math. Although they do have Mike Vick and Jeremy Maclin. That’s like Wildcat Central. I do love the Wildcat. Hmmmm. Pencil them in for 15 wins.

Nickname: Ron Mexico Jr. (Jeremy Maclin) P.S. Ron Mexico was Mike Vick’s alias in the Dog Fighting Nonsense.

Projected Record: 15-1

Donavan McNabb

Washington Redskins

Their team name sucks. Like its kinda racist. But also stupid. P.S. Jason Campbell is a beast. Get him in your fantasy league. He can throw to… Santana Moss? I guess that could work.

Nickname: Jimmy Crack Corn Zorn. (Jim Zorn) He’s the HC. HC means Head Coach.

Projected Record: 0-16

Santana Moss

New York Giants

Eli Manning still sucks. But he got like wayyy too much money. Give that money to something worthwhile or something. Like something. Something.

Nickname: Tom “The Definition of Ruddy Cheeks” Coughlin.

Projected Record: 6-10

Tom Coughlin