Super Bowl Preview Week: Defense Comparison

There was alot of snow everywhere yesterday so I took a snow day from blogging. Sorry. Back to my regularly scheduled getting-worked-up-over-nothing.

Defensive Line: Ziggy Hood, Casey Hampton, Brett Kelsel vs. Ryan Pickett, B.J. Raji, Cullen Jenkins

On the basis of names, Ziggy Hood gives the Steelers the edge.

On the basis of people who’s names I have heard, Beej Raji gives the Packers the edge.

On the basis of actual football, it is a draw.

EDGE: Draw

Linebackers: LaMarr Woodley, James Farrior, Lawrence Timmons, James Harrison vs. Clay Matthews, A.J. Hawk, Desmond Bishop, Erik Walden

James Harrison has no backup on the depth chart and although I am probably not the first to notice this, I think this is a sign. He is going to be injured during this game. Can they sub in some random other linebacker and have Woodley and Farrior dominate? I don’t like to speculate about things.

However, if James Harrison goes down, the Packers will have the definitive advantage at the LBs. Clay Matthews and A.J. Hawk are very good. I don’t want to fight them in a dark alley or anywhere ever really.

So depending on the inevitable injury actually happening, I say:

EDGE: Draw

Cornerbacks: Bryant McFadden, Ike Taylor vs. Charles Woodson, Tramon Williams

I have been told (via reading ESPN.com) that Bryant McFadden is going to get torched like a mug by Greg Jennings. Also: Greg Jennings is not a tight end? I thought he was. Who am I thinking of?

Taylor Ike or Die. Black and Yellow, Black and Yellow, Black and Yellow, Black and Yellow, Black and Yellow, Black and Yellow, Black and Yellow, Black and Yellow, Black and Yellow.

Charles Woodson is like 50 and Tramon Williams is not good, I think. So:

EDGE: Draw

Safeties: Ryan Clark, Troy Polamalu vs. Nick Collins, Charlie Peprah

Troy Polamalu plays like a man. He is everywhere and nowhere all at once. Wait, no he’s just everywhere.

However, HOWEVER. He has ridiculous hair.

Nick Collins nickname should be ‘Salt’ because he reminds me alot of Veruca Salt (via Willy Wonka) and Salt from the hit movie ‘Salt’ with Angelina Jolie.

And then we could call the Packer safeties ‘Salt and Peprah.’

EDGE: Draw

xXx Special Bonus Matchup xXx: Troy Polamalu vs. Clay Matthews

The Hair Matchup. Wow I really don’t care about this. It’s just getting mad blog hits for some reason. I just find it to be kitsch.

EDGE: Draw

So the final score is 0-0-5. That’s some well-thought out writing. (See, the joke’s on you though because I actually did plan it out. I hadn’t even looked at the matchups because I thought doing all 5 as draws would be funnie.)

Additionally,

Lil’ Wayne has released a track entitled ‘Green and Yellow.’ No one is really sure why. He is a Saints fan apparently. But no he’s not. I am super confused.

I do like the song though. He calls out Ike Taylor as well as claiming when the Packers win they will ‘cut Troy Polamalu’s hair off.’

 

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Super Bowl Preview Week: Comparing the Offenses of the Pittsburgh Steelers and the Green Bay Packers

Woah doctor. These are some cah-raz-e off-en-sesssss!

Quarterback: Ben Roethlisberger vs. Aaron Rodgers

Alright so this is the big one. Ben Roethlisberger is a monster. He is huge and tough to handle if he rolls out. (Just ask the Jets on 4th and 9 or whatever it was. That was rough.) But let’s be honest, Aaron Rodgers is straight up torching good defenses. The Bears? Never really stood a chance and everyone in Chicago knew that.

Aaron Rodgers has played in 4 playoff games. In every game his team has put up 21 or more points. They are averaging nearly 34 points a playoff game with Rodgers throwing the ball. Granted, it has never been the Super Bowl but he is living proof that holding him on the bench for 3+ years actually worked.

Roethlisberger has the whole ‘I’ve been here before’ sorta swag. But I don’t like him. Hence…

EDGE: Packers


Running Back: Rashard Mendenhall vs. Brandon Jackson

Rashard Mendenhall gained 1,273 yards on the ground and ran for 13 touchdowns. He didn’t receive the ball particularly well as far as yards and TDs go but his rushing was fairly dominant. Ignoring the statistics, the Steelers were able to pound the living hell out of the Jets (Back to the stats, he gained 121 yards on 27 carries and had a TD, further proof how good he is).

Brandon Jackson gained 703 yards this season. He ran for 3 TDs and caught 1. He barely cracked 1,000 yards from scrimmage (He had 1,045).  No one every claimed Brandon Jackson was good.

Sure, Brandon Jackson is a household name but I have to give the edge here to the under-the-radar-except-in-Pittsburgh Mendenhall.

EDGE: Steelers

That’s actually Korey Hall making the tackle. I don’t really know what is going on.

Fullback: David Johnson vs. Korey Hall

Really confused why I put this category in. Oh wait, no I’m not coming up with this post entirely on my own. My copy editor gave me some bylines for a lede. Journalism buzzwords. Clutch-town, population FS!

EDGE: Journalism-based Jokes


Wide Receivers: Hines Ward, Mike Wallace vs. Greg Jennings, Donald Driver

Hines Ward is old. I think. He’s also like Japanese. Two facts that have nothing to do with the way in which he plays. If you want to know how he actually plays, he plays dirty. He is a cheap shot artist. I mean, that absolutely helps to have one your side in the Big Game. Mike Wallace is super fast. That’s a pretty potent combo. Cheap shot octogenarian and fast guy. Ward and Wallace.

Greg Jennings is pretty good I guess. Donald Driver is also old but still pretty good.

EDGE: Steelers


Offensive Line: Jonathan Scott, Chris Kemoeatu, Maurkice Pouncey, Doug Legursky, Ramon Foster, Flozell Adams vs. Chad Clifton, Daryn Colledge, Scott Wells, Josh Sitton, T.J. Lang

Maurkice Pouncey is NOT playing. That is apparently big news.

I really don’t care.

EDGE: Packers

So after all those words, we have arrived at a 2-2-1 score. So all those words were worthless. Yeah.

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Super Bowl Preview Week: Lookin’ Boy

Hey guys and gals, in case the title wasn’t clear we here at FS! will be running a preview week for the Super Bowl.

Expect all sorts of hot breaking stories and hard hitting facts and whatnot.

I’ll kick off your Monday with some hot Lookin’ Boy action.

Charlie Batch, Backup QB of the Pittburgh Steelers

Looks like the son of John Legend and Howie Mandel.

Because a child is the average of his parents haircuts, right?

 

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I Forgot

I forgot:

To blog yesterday

To.. well that’s pretty much all I have forgotten at this point.

Tracy Morgan forgot to be not hilarious.

Is this sports-related? Yes. It happened on the halftime show on TNT.

Has this been blogged about 10,000,000,000 times already? No there aren’t that many blogs on the internet.

Wait, are there? There are 126,000,000. I just Google-d it. So there are not 10 billion blogs. Only 126 million.

Wow you have to yell super loud to get your blog heard. I guess I’ll never ‘make it’!

Sarah Palin. Tracy Jordan. Or Morgan. 30 Rock. No big deal.

Jack Donaghy.

Tina Fey, Liz or Lis Lemon.

Anyway.

I’ll be back on a more consistent blog schedule starting next week.

As long as one of y’all reminds me.

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New Year, Same Swag

3 out of the first 20 images on the 'new years resolution' Google Images page feature both an apple and a measuring tape.

My New Year’s resolution was to never blog again. But then I realized that was unrealistic.

So I decided to wait 26 days. January 26th. ‘Perfect time to come back,’ I said to myself.

Really, all it takes to blog is a topic to anger me up enough. So I’m just gonna riff on one thing:

Chad Ochocinco changing his name back to Johnson.

You know what? I disagree with changing your name here Chad.

Ochocinco has become you, Johnson just doesn’t fit.

Ochocinco to me perfectly represents Chad.

A terrible, cliche, shameless attention grabber. Who isn’t even good at football.

This is a desperate, most likely unemployed football former-superstar trying for one last shot at credibility. No. Attention. Not credibility, because he never had that.

So Chad Javon Jonson/Ochocinco, enjoy the last time I will ever blog about you.

Enjoy the last time anyone will ever blog about you.

Because unless you have 5+ TDs in a season in 2011 or 2012 or ever again, I will never use the words Chad Johnson ever again.

At least not in that order.

COMING SOON: Chad Pennington sexted his girlfriend? Check back tomorrow to see Chad’s Johnson.

Woah that was a close one.

I am completely joking though. I have no sexual pictures of Chad Pennington. Sorry ladies, go elsewhere.

Child please.

Kiss the baby.

Goodbye Chad.

Goodbye.

 

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Handicapping The ‘ntest

The Dunk Contest that is.

So the guys dunking have been announced.

Blake Griffin, Serge Ibaka, Brandon Jennings, and JaVale McGee.

Solid solid.

LetBrandonJenningsBeADunkContestDarkHorse.com is the latest grassroots campaign to allow a lesser-known player to be in the Dunk Contest.

Who is going to win:

Blake Griffin is going off as a 2:9 favorite.

Serge Ibaka is checking in as a moderate underdog at 100:1.

Brandon Jennings and JaVale McGee are tied at 1,090:3.

What this means:

Blake Griffin will win 9 out of every 2 dunk contests.

Serge will win 1 out of every 100.

Brandon Jennings and JaVale McGee will tie every 1 out of 363.3333 contests.

Serge Ibaka, Future Dunk Contest Runner Up

While those odds are mostly made up, I believe that Blake Griffin will win.

But he could absolutely be a disappointment.

The Dunk Contest is full of those (see: LetShannonDunk.com circa 2009, Brent Barry circa 1996)

Serge could be a creative guy and no one knows. He’s got the ups.

Brandon Jennings tweeted he, alright I guess he didn’t. But I had a dream he Tweeted ‘goin’ back to my hs ups.’ Theoretically he did and deleted it. But he broke his foot. So I don’t see him winning.

JaVale McGee is an idiot. So he won’t win.

Please don’t watch that whole video.

‘Woah hey everyone, I know you read the Fantastik Sports post today!’ -A Cool Bro

‘Ya’ -Everyone

‘Well I loved it first off. But finally, a blog post without a single mention of how broken the dunk contest is.’ -A Cool Bro

‘Ya’ -Everyone

‘It was refreshing in its simplicity and compellingness’ -A Cool Bro

‘Ya’ -Everyone

Some cool bros going to take a piano lesson (via Piano Teachers Forum of Grand Rapids)

 

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Handicappin’ The ‘Offs

Handicapping the Playoffs. NFL that is.

Alright. So round 1.

I’ll tell you who is going to win and who to bet on and win money with.

AFC WILD CARD 3v6: Indy Colts v NY Jets (+3)

No lines have been set yet so I’m going to be guessing every line.

I would bet against Peyton Manning here. I really don’t like the Jets but Manning has just not looked himself this year.

Maybe he’ll go all Boston Celtics on us and loaf through the season and turn it on come playoff time. But basketball and football don’t exactly match up like that.

Basketball regular season is completely worthless.

Football season matters. I don’t understand why and can’t explain it but you and I both know I am right. Otherwise why would I say it.

I am always correct.

Classic Blog Moment: Posting a picture of an athlete and his wife.

AFC WILD CARD 4v5: Kansas City Chiefys (+6) v Balty Ravens

Joe Waka Flacco Flame is probably going to torch a weak Chiefs defense.

And Charlie Weis is gonna mail it in like Flo Rida. Mail On Sunday.

(P.S. That Flo Rida pun works ever better than I thought because he’s going to Florida. I am a wordsmith pt.2)

The intersection of football and rap. Wonder if that’s ever happened before, y’all.

Innovation.

NFC WILD CARD 3v6:

Philly Eagles v Greeny Bay Packers (+14)

The Eagles are going to destroy the Packers.

Sorry Cheeseheads.

Aaron Rodgers may be a b3astmod3 fantasy QB but Mike Vick is going to destroy you in every possible way.

Wait, no AJ Hawk is pretty good. He can probably spy Vick pretty hard.

Hm. Still. The line has been set. I think Desean and Maclin have big games.

AJ Hawk is unattractive.

NFC WILD CARD 4v5: Seattley Seahawks v New Orleansy Saints (+1.5)

This is a classic case of seeding. I think the Seahawks deserve the higher seed and will win this game based entirely on that fact.

FACT: 4 always beats 5.

Look for Charlie Whitehurst to throw 6+ TDs against a weak Saints secondary.

Charlie Whitehurst is really good looking. In a McDreamy kind of way.

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